Running became Kate’s salvation

After experiencing multiple miscarriages, Kate put on a pair of trainers, left the house and took the first steps on her journey to completing the London Marathon.

Running became my salvation. It allowed me to forge a new relationship with my body, one where I wasn’t a failure, but instead could be proud of what my body could achieve.

I remember the person I used to be before I lost so many babies. I am a different person now.

Losing a baby is an incomparable pain. Experiencing multiple losses is overwhelming. It’s not the disappointment, it’s the dissipation of hope.

I remember my first miscarriage, 12 weeks and the doctor telling me there was no heartbeat. I remember the screaming, I remember the shock. I remember the physical pain that followed later and the rush back to hospital. I remember utter devastation.

I remember the fear that remained with me all through my pregnancy with my daughter, never being able to enjoy a moment, terrified I would lose her. How fortunate I am to be able to hold her in my arms each day and shower her with love.

I remember the many, many times since my daughter was born that I have found myself pregnant again and found myself miscarrying again. Too many times!  My heart broke a little bit more with every loss. I remember loving every pregnancy just as much as though they were a baby in my arms. I still shower them all with my love.

I remember my heart shredded into a billon pieces and I had no idea how to even begin to put it back together. I was overwhelmed by grief and acceptance and it hurt more than I ever expected. I wanted everyone to take one of the tiny pieces of my shattered and shredded heart and experience an iota of the pain I was feeling.

I became a woman who had lost many babies and I didn’t know how to take that and make it part of me in a way that made me stronger, better rather than broken and weak.

Then one day, I decided to put on a pair of trainers, leave the house and run. Running became my salvation. It allowed me to forge a new relationship with my body, one where I wasn’t a failure, but instead could be proud of what my body could achieve.

So this year, 2019, I am proud to have run the London Marathon for the Miscarriage Association. It was a fantastic experience, from finding out in the summer that I had secured a place, to building friendships with the other runners, tracking their progress and receiving their support (particularly during the winter months!), to meeting everyone in person on the day.

The race itself was amazing – I ran the first 15 miles or so with another M.A. runner and as we supported each other and chatted, the miles melted away!   On a whim I decided to paint myself blue for the race, and the way it brought a smile to supporters’ faces and the cheers I received gave me such joy! What a wonderful way to capture people’s attention and raise awareness of this fantastic charity.

There is a culture of silence surrounding miscarriage and pregnancy loss, and this saddens me. At a time of pain and loss, it makes it harder to reach out for support, or to offer support.

Since I started my fundraising, I have been privileged by the number of women who shared their experience of loss with me.  Many had never felt able to talk about it before – and one 40 years later is still hurting. The experience of loss is both universal and personal, and I passionately believe we need to continue sharing our stories, so that those who feel silenced can realise they are not alone, and there is help out there.

‘There is a crack in everything and that’s how the light gets in’.

 

Kate Wynne