Thinking about another pregnancy
After a miscarriage or ectopic or molar pregnancy, you may want to get pregnant again as soon as possible, or you may need time to think about when – or even whether – you want to try again.
We talk elsewhere about some of the facts about trying for another pregnancy after a loss – especially about when might be the best time and when you may be advised to wait.
This page concentrates on the feelings that people have about pregnancy after loss – about trying to conceive again and about pregnancy after loss or losses.
You feel so empty after the loss and want to fill that void…
Trying again after pregnancy loss
During the Coronavirus pandemic you may wonder about waiting longer that you had planned before trying to conceive, particularly while access to early pregnancy and maternity care is still somewhat reduced. But the situation is changing all the time and (at November 2020) there is no clear guidance, so this is very much a personal decision.
You may feel quite confident about trying for another baby. But you may be very anxious abut having another miscarriage. Or you may be worried about whether you will manage to conceive.
Part of me desperately wants to be pregnant again, and the other part of me is just too terrified of going through the same thing again.
You may want to try again because:
- you simply want a baby. Even if you didn’t plan the last pregnancy, miscarrying might have made you realise that’s what you want
- you think that only being pregnant again will help you to cope with your loss
- it’s important to your partner
- you feel like it’s your last chance, for whatever reason.
You may have doubts about trying again because:
- you are frightened of having another loss and don’t feel you’ll be able to cope
- you are worried that anxiety might harm another pregnancy
- you need to pay for fertility treatment to conceive again – with no guarantee of success even if you conceive
- your partner doesn’t want you to try again and risk another loss.
It may take time before you are ready to decide when or whether to try again. You might find it helpful to share your thoughts and feelings with others in our forum. Our leaflet Thinking about another pregnancy may also be of help.
Pregnancy after loss
Pregnancy after miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy can be a very anxious time.
The delight of a positive pregnancy test may be tinged with fear, as Amie notes in her blog:
Gone is that innocent belief that ‘two lines’ = baby.
You may feel you need frequent scans just to check that things are all right, or you may find scan appointments very stressful. Even when the pregnancy progresses beyond the time of a previous loss, if you have had more than one loss, you may find it hard to be optimistic, as Sasha describes.
Even at 12 weeks and a successful scan, I worried about later losses, and genetic abnormalities.
Some people find it helpful and encouraging to read stories from others who have had a healthy pregnancy after a loss or losses. Others find it unhelpful or even hurtful to think of others having a baby and some might be upset by comments like ‘Never give up’. That’s why we have two separate boards on our forum for ‘Pregnancy after Loss’.
Our Pregnancy after miscarriage page has more support and information, including a film, a leaflet, stories and details about our private Pregnant After Loss Facebook group.
When the trying stops
For some women and their partners, there comes a time when they begin to think about stopping their attempts to have a baby. This can be hard enough if you already have a child or children. But it can be an especially difficult and painful decision if you are childless.
There are all sorts of reasons why people stop trying:
- repeated losses
- fertility problems and/or advancing maternal age
- physical or mental health problems
- relationship or financial issues or
- a combination of any of these.
Making the decision to stop trying is usually a process and you may make and un-make it more than once. It means facing a different kind of future from the one you were planning and while that can bring real sadness, it can also bring a sense of closure.
I feel my family is complete now. Just my husband and me and our memories of the tiny lives we had with us for a short while.
Wendy’s blog is a powerful account of her experience and feelings on making that decision. Edith’s blog asks the question ‘Why can’t I stop trying?’. And while Anna’s poem describes her and her partner’s journey through recurrent miscarriage, it also reflects their decision to choose adoption as a positive and hopeful way forward.
The organisation Fertility Network UK offers specialist information and support for anyone facing the challenge of childlessness.