Paul’s story

Paul shares how talking about miscarriage openly and empathetic support from others has helped him through the experience of recurrent loss.

When I went back to work I still remember people who said ‘I’m sorry, it must be awful are you okay?’ That is all people need to say.

Miscarriage just isn’t widely spoken about. When it happened to us we didn’t know how to deal it with it. We had three miscarriages and with each one we have been more open. We needed an outlet and talking about it openly was it. My male friends were not so forthcoming with knowing what to say but my female friends were more empathetic.

Reponses from people are naturally varied. Someone will always have a story of someone who is having an even tougher time, but to truly understand, I think you have to have gone through it yourself. One of our friends had three miscarriages before we started trying for a baby. I remember when she told me I felt bad for her but I didn’t have that empathy because I hadn’t experienced the true pain of it myself. When we did go through it, I understood how horrific it was and that is when I really had empathy for what they had gone through. It almost feels like a sub-community of couples who have gone through it and then others who are protected from it.

When I went back to work I still remember people who said ‘I’m sorry, it must be awful are you okay?’ That is all people need to say. It is a bereavement. People mistake it for something different, but you are dealing with the loss of someone who meant the world to you and it needs to be treated with the same level of empathy. For some, they don’t believe it was a baby yet. However, we are mourning the loss of the life we have made and saying goodbye to the future we had planned.

We are just starting to consider extending our family. We have no idea where that will take us. Marin was a much longed for child and we would love to give her a sibling.

Talking about miscarriage more openly means you can understand and support people more. By raising awareness and educating people of what to say helps to lessen the awkwardness.

Our happy ending is Marin. It is so lovely to have her.

Paul