When my heart hurts

Thinking of the past with nothing to gain,
People ask how I am feeling
How do I explain?
So complicated,
With no memories to grieve,
just the wonder of what could have been.
The ‘what ifs’

That’s when my heart hurts.

How old would you be now?
Were you a boy or a girl?
Would you have been like me, your mum
Or your dad?

That’s when my heart hurts.

The ‘what ifs’ are the worst
That empty ache in your heart,
The lump in your throat that hurts.
When thoughts run wild,
You can’t help but think of who they would have been.

That’s when my heart hurts.

First little one, imagining you now being 15,
Second little one, imaging you now being 4,
Third little one, I should have been giving birth to you any day now,
Fourth little one – wishing you were still growing inside me, you would have been 24 weeks now.

Oh how I wish with all my heart these were real ages.

Due dates,
Birthdays,
Christmases,
Family parties,
Mothers day,
Fathers day.

Every day hurts.

Imagining your faces, the bonds we’d have,
Imagining the slides in the garden and the little shoes by the front door,
Imagining my 15 year old chilling with me and listening to music.

That’s when my heart hurts.

How do I separate this sadness?
How does one sad time not roll into the other?

When you know you are so surrounded with love that you can feel it to your core,
But you still feel empty inside.

When the tears roll and they don’t stop for days,
When the tears have been for so many years.
There is just a numbness.
A very specific sadness.
The hurt that I will never know those 4 little ones that would have shaped my life

I know I would have been the best mum.

That’s when my heart hurts.

The 4 little ones I’ve not been able to keep,
What I would give for it to have been different.

This is what makes my heart hurt.

By Jodie

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