Violet’s story
From her home in China, Violet shares her experience of recurrent loss and how sharing her story on the Chinese platform Red has helped her and her followers.
That’s when I realized ladies, we should help each other. Simply by telling each other, we are not alone.
I’m a 33-year-old Chinese lady who has been suffered from 3 times of chemical pregnancies and once 9 week miscarriage. I read stories from ladies all over the world in the Miscarriage Association web page, and those stories really helped me through the toughest time. I finally decide to join this discussion and hope my story will help the ladies who had the same experiences. I want you to know, you are not alone.
In 2019 when I turned to 30, I started to prepare to get a baby. One year of trying with nothing happened. I started to feel anxious and ran between different fertility clinics and hospitals in China to look for a reason: WHY can’t I get pregnant?
In Chinese hospitals we have a department called “Reproductive Department”, they offer all services to help ladies get pregnant. The doctor sent me to an ovulation scan and asked me to follow the schedule every month to see my ovulation, then have sex under their instruction (in certain days). Three months of trying, I got my first baby [got pregnant].
I thought the tough journey is towards the end. But it was just a start.
My pregnancy test turned pink on my 10th day after ovulation, which was 4 days before my period. As soon as I got my hcg test result, I started bleeding. I took progesterone pills and stayed in bed for 4 more days, but my hcg dropped rapidly to 15. That was my first time known the word “chemical pregnancy”.
The doctor comforted me, said majority of the first pregnancies turned out to be a chemical pregnancy, and it is the start that your body is adjusting to a pregnancy mode, it should be easier for you to get pregnant the next time.
It WAS very easy to get pregnant the next month, but a chemical pregnancy happened again. The third time also.
My anxiety grew so fast and I couldn’t fall asleep because I could dream about a positive test result then I wake up and I realized I just lost my baby.
My husband, my parents and my in-laws were very careful bringing up anything about baby in front of me. They were being very very careful that I could see they wanted to talk about it but they never did. I hid all my hurt feelings in front of them, and I never asked for help. Until one day my mom gave me a call, asked me to go to another Chinese doctor to look for a reason, WHY there are so many times of chemical pregnancies happen to me.
Looking for “WHY” is a long journey. Once you start, you will never go back. My mom brought me to multiple doctors, doing multiple blood tests, scans, like it’s never going to end.
My last doctor found my immune problem when sees my test results. She prescribed medications and asked me to take them routinely. I took pills everyday. Those pills made me feel VERY secure. That can even cure my anxiety.
Two months later I found myself being pregnant. This time the hcg test went very well. The hcg tripled the first three days after I found the pregnancy. The first scan went well. I could see the baby at week 6 and heartbeat at week 7. When I returned to the hospital for my 3rd scan, I was very excited to see my baby again, but the bad news came, I lost him/her. No heartbeat.
The second day I did my surgery. My husband asked the doctor right before my surgery, “Can we try one last time, is there any way, ANY way that we can save the baby? Anything?” The doctor shook her head said, “I’m sorry, but no.”
The second day after my surgery I received calls from everyone in my family, even my grandma, who tried to comfort me with all words they could think of. Like, “you are still young, your next baby will be fine”; “It must be the baby is not healthy, it is better that you found it now than later.” Sadly, they did not help me, but it turned out that I convinced them not to worry about me. What they don’t know is that I cried every day, cried to sleep, but I never told anyone about it. I don’t want them to worry about me.
I need someone who can fully understand me. So I searched on different platforms to see if any ladies experienced my experiences. I found many of them on Red platform in China. So I started writing my stories, share my thoughts and help them get through their tough times. While doing all that, I can see them getting better and be less anxious about their future. At the same time I feel better too.
That’s when I realized ladies, we should help each other. Simply by telling each other, we are not alone.
In case any Chinese ladies here want to see my Red page, my name on Red is @牛憨憨和王漂亮