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TTC

 

Let’s try for a baby

TTC

Checking the dates and the BBT

Every month BD BD

Always looking for that BFP

One month

Two months

Three months

Four

Friends getting pregnant

More and more

Hospitals and blood tests and sperm in a pot

Speculums and rubber gloves can never be forgot

Results and results and great there’s nothing wrong!

So how can this really be taking so long?

Relax and relax and do some yogic breathing

Maybe next month we finally won’t be grieving

Five months

Six months

Seven months

Eight

Is my period really one day late?

False alarm, false alarm, open up the gin

Throw the 15th Clear Blue test straight into the bin

Nine months

Ten months

Eleven months

More

And then all of a sudden

My chest is really sore

Nipples to hang your hat on

False alarm once more?

Test and test and test once more for luck

There are two little lines. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Is it finally really happening to me?

Do I really have my BFP?

Tears and sobbing and gasping for breath

Yes and yes and yes and yes

Quitting all the caffeine

Quitting all the booze

Fantasies of tiny feet running in tiny shoes

Organic shower gel

Natural toothpaste

All the things to keep it strong bought such a great haste

One week

Two weeks

Three weeks

Four

Sickness strikes and I want more

Five weeks

Six weeks

Seven weeks

Eight

Early scan we can’t be late

Teeny tiny baby

Strong heartbeat

Wonderful beautiful little webbed feet

Nine weeks

Stop

Blood

It’s ok

No

Back to the waiting room

Dirty leather seats

Keep holding tight to those tiny webbed feet

Screen turns away and the lady shakes her head

I’m sorry to tell you it’s bad news, she said

Shaking and sobbing on a plastic bed

Feeling so numb I may as well be dead

Then hospitals and speculums and more rubber gloves

And watching the toilet take something I love

Back on our own again

Having another try

The only thing I ask myself… is why?

Your Facebook photos hurt me

Cut like a knife

Happy faces

Small round cheeks

Making me weak

No escape

Baby on board

Give up your seat! She needs it more!

Out of the club and straight back to square one

I wonder if I’ll ever get to be called Mum

 

By Holly

 

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