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The worst day

Three years after his partner’s miscarriage, Neil shares his feelings of grief and distress both then and now.

This is such a hard thing for me to write about because 3 years later it’s so hard for me to talk about without getting upset.

Nothing has ever effected me as hard as a miscarriage has. I was 25 at the time, my partner was only 20 and we lost our unborn baby at 9 weeks. We hadn’t really been trying for too long but we wanted a baby so much. I never understood miscarriage until then. I didn’t ever really think about it. This is such a hard thing for me to write about because 3 years later it’s so hard for me to talk about without getting upset.

At the time I was at home when my partner called me to inform me she was bleeding and was going to the hospital. I cannot even describe the confusion and fear I felt at this moment. My brother rushed me to be with my partner at the hospital. When I got there my partner kept saying “It’s going to be ok isn’t it?” – what could I say? It felt so wrong lying, telling her “everything will be fine”, knowing inside the worst possible thing has happened and keeping a brave face about it which was the hardest thing ever. The doctors did all the tests and asked us to phone for the results the next day.

Waiting was the worst part, giving each other false hope and when we made the call we weres given the worst possible news – the baby had gone.

At that moment I felt my life had just literally exploded, my partner extremely upset and me keeping that brave face on. I did soon hysterically cry in front of her – I felt terrible for this but could not help it. It was hard that week people asking ‘how is she?’ all the time and inside I would be wondering what about me? When was somebody going to ask if I was ok?

As time went on I went back to work living my normal life, the odd time getting a little upset and just trying to block it out. Not long after, we tried for another baby and we were successful – we now have a 22 month old beautiful girl.

In the long run I thought I would be OK but I can’t even watch a storyline on the soaps about miscarriage without getting upset. I can’t talk about it too much if anyone is going through it – I feel like I’ve gone back to that moment again. Even now when I’m in work I have the odd day when I’m re-living the whole tragedy and trying to hold back the tears. It never really goes away but it does get better.

Neil

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