Sophie shares her story of a missed miscarriage and how it felt being in lockdown afterwards, due to COVID-19. If you're looking for more information about the impact of coronavirus on your care please have a look at the link at the bottom of this page.
Being in lockdown during this time, due to COVID-19, has allowed me the time to begin to heal at my own pace.
From the moment we saw those two strong blue lines, my life changed completely. I felt a blanket of contentment and love.
I experienced all of the typical early pregnancy symptoms. Exhaustion, sore boobs, nausea, food aversions and spots. I welcomed them all (except the spots), because it’s all part of the pregnancy parcel!
I’m naturally a worrier and so every time I went to the toilet, I would check for blood, feeling thankful every time when there was none. I’d make sure I was eating all of the right foods, exercising lightly, getting plenty of rest and drinking lots of water. When we reached 12 weeks, I honestly thought we were okay, and I was feeling incredibly excited. I ordered cute little cards for our family with messages like “would you like to be grandparents” and “how would you like to be an auntie” and had scheduled time with close friends to tell them the news in person.
At 12+5, we went for our first routine scan – feeling a little nervous, but also excited to see our bundle of joy for the first time.
The moment the sonographer put the jelly on my tummy, a more anxious feeling crept in. I could see my baby on the screen, so small, still and silent. I knew something was very wrong and asked the sonographer if everything was alright. He just said, “I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat”. I had had a missed miscarriage; our baby had died a few weeks earlier. And with that, my world fell apart.
I remember seeing my husband’s pale shocked face, not knowing what to do or say. I just cried. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much before.
After an hour sat in a private room, a nurse came to talk to us and recommended a D&C for the following Wednesday. That evening, my mum cradled me as I cried myself to sleep.
I have never felt heartache like this. My chest was physically hurting, and I couldn’t even gather the strength to sit myself up, talk or eat. I couldn’t believe that I felt so pregnant, yet my body hadn’t registered that my baby had died. I was angry with my body, and with myself. I had been walking around with the biggest smile on my face, feeling like the luckiest and happiest person in the world and unbeknown to me, my baby had been dead for a few weeks. I’m supposed to be my baby’s mother, and I didn’t know that something was wrong. That’s a really hard feeling to process.
A week felt too long, and so we decided to go private and scheduled the D&C for the Saturday. Unfortunately, I started to bleed heavily late Friday and into the early hours of the Saturday morning. It was the most intense pain I’d ever felt. I was rocking back and forth, sweating and had pins and needles all the way up both arms. I sat on the toilet with a sudden urge to push, and that’s when I passed my baby. My husband held me and told me not to look, I was in so much shock and felt like I couldn’t breathe properly. It was truly the hardest and most painful experience I’ve ever gone through, both physically and mentally.
My consultant advised me to still go in for the procedure to make sure my miscarriage was complete. It was over very quickly, and afterwards I felt so, so empty.
In the beginning, I felt completely broken. I couldn’t and didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to curl up on my own and cry. And I did cry. I cried for three weeks straight, every single day. I couldn’t sleep properly; I lost my appetite and my general sense of self. I was grey, emotionally drained and still in shock. I had loved my baby so, so much. I had so many hopes for our baby and for us as a family and I couldn’t make sense of how that had all disappeared, just like that.
Being in lockdown during this time, due to COVID-19, has allowed me the time to begin to heal at my own pace. I’ve since ploughed myself into exercise to keep my physical-self healthy as well as my mind, and I’m speaking to a therapist to help me process my feelings. I’ve also kept a journal of my miscarriage experience which has helped me offload some of what I feel internally.
We decided to name our baby Bluebell – we wanted to give her an identity because despite losing her, she was still a life inside of me and will always be a part of me. I will never forget the love me and my husband felt from the moment we found out we were expecting our baby.
I wish anyone going through a miscarriage so much love and strength.