Rebecca shares the story of her missed miscarriage, the physical process of her loss over more than two weeks and the impact it had on her and her partner.
We should have been going to our scan, we should have spent the weekend sharing wonderful news to our friends and family but instead we were being comforted by our loved ones.
Just after Father’s Day we found out I was pregnant. I texted my partner and said his belated Father’s Day present was arriving soon. When he got home I handed over the pregnancy test – the smile on his face is something I’ll never forget.
We never got to do it this way with our firstborn. The doctors thought I had a urine infection but after some tests we found out I was pregnant but was rushed into hospital there and then for a suspected ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully everything was fine. So to be able to find out in such a joyous and traditional way was everything.
The sickness and tiredness hit me very quickly and my body was growing. I had my history check, things were starting to feel real now. We got our date for the 12 week scan, 9th August.
On the 6th August it was a normal morning. I woke up, prepared our son’s morning bottle, went for a wee and noticed a tiny bit of blood. I didn’t panic as I bled throughout my pregnancy with our firstborn but I felt strange, something in my gut was telling me something wasn’t right. It’s strange how we know.
I called up my partner and started crying instantly, it’s like I knew. He stayed calm, came straight home and called my mum. She came over to look after my son and we went straight to hospital. After having bloods taken in A&E, we were sent up to the Early Pregnancy Unit and I was seen by Doctors straight away.
They examined me and advised my cervix was still closed. I started to feel a bit reassured but they agreed to scan me just to make sure. We went in for the scan and the baby was picked up straight away, we saw our little bundle but the look on the doctor’s face said it all. She advised that unfortunately our baby was measuring a lot smaller than 12/13 weeks and was only 8 weeks, I still had hope until I heard the words, “I’m sorry but the baby has no heart beat.” And just like that everything just crumbled. Another doctor confirmed this, they apologised for our loss and gave us some time to process the news.
And then it all started to hit me, ‘the baby is still inside me, I haven’t fully miscarried yet, the worst is still to come.’
The doctor returned and was so kind and caring. She gave me some options on what I would like to do, but I couldn’t think straight, I just wanted to get out of there. I decided to just let nature take its course. My partner held me and walked me to the car and we came home. I couldn’t even face my Mum or son. I fell to the floor in our bedroom and just cried. I heard my partner breaking the news to my mum, every word shattered me more. She came and held me. My partner bought in our son to see me, he’s only 7 months old. I held him, he will never understand how much I needed that cuddle in that moment. It reminded me I cannot give up.
The next few days were so tough, Friday came and we should have been going to our scan, we should have spent the weekend sharing wonderful news to our friends and family but instead we were being comforted by our loved ones.
Sunday afternoon the bleeding started to get heavier, the realisation started to hit of what was happening, I felt numb.
Monday afternoon the cramping started and I rushed to the toilet, I was losing clots and blood. It was happening, I shouted for my partner and he just hugged me while I was crying on the toilet. After 10 or so minutes it started to calm down. That must’ve been it, we said to each other.
Everything started to calm down but I was still bleeding just like a heavy period.
Early hours Tuesday morning I started to get cramps but they were coming and going like contractions, it was physically painful but mentally even more so. Still bleeding and drained, I got an early night. Wednesday at 1am I woke up and I felt this sensation of something coming out and then I felt a pop, it felt like my waters had broken all over again. It was blood. I sat on the toilet for 30mins and it was not stopping, I woke up my partner, panicking. He thought I was weeing but it was the blood. I wiped and there was a clot the size of my hand, my stomach turned. I’ve never felt emotions like that before. After spending 45 minutes bleeding continuously we decided it was best for me to be seen. My partner’s brother came over to look after our son and off we went.
By the time I had got downstairs and into the car I had soaked through my trousers, I was so scared. I only lost 400ml when giving birth to our son but still needed 3 bags of blood.
We were seen quickly, the staff were so helpful and kind. I ended up staying in and was put on a drip. Later on in the day after checking my bloods, I was allowed to go home.
The next day I had to go back for a check up scan. I got in there and it was an internal one. I felt sick – I didn’t want anything going anywhere near there, but I knew it was for the best. They confirmed the baby and sac had gone, my heart sunk. I had a whirlwind of emotions. I wasn’t pregnant anymore but it was all coming to an end after 2 weeks of being too scared to leave the house incase I had another bleed.
But it wasn’t over. I was advised there was still a large clot that needed to pass. The doctor advised because my body had done so well getting rid of everything naturally, they’d like to give it another week and I would need to go back for another scan. A couple of days later I had a bit of a bleed, passed a clot, it was over.
I went in for my scan and it wasn’t over, it was still there. My heart breaking all over again. I was told I needed to stay in to have a pessary to help pass the clot.
A few days later I had another bleed, passed a clot, it was over.
I returned for another scheduled scan, the clot had gone, it was over and relief and sadness hit. I still had blood but not much to come. I could get my life back.
I was then advised I would need to take a pregnancy test in 10 days to confirm there were no hormones left, my heart broke again.
During the following 10days the bleeding got lighter, my confidence to go outside came back but it won’t be back fully for a long time.
Today is day 10, I did the pregnancy test, it was negative, it was over. I cried in my partner’s arms. It was done, we can move forward but we weren’t pregnant anymore.
February was the month our baby would have been born, I’m sure that month will be hard.
My partner and I communicated throughout and that is what got us through as a team. Our family and friends comforted us, sent us kind messages even the, ‘I don’t know what to say but I’m sorry’ messages were more than enough.
I felt so guilty not being able to be a mum to our son, unable to take him out or be the playful silly mum I usually am. But that guilt is slowly drifting.
The sadness and heartbreak will never leave but neither will the warmth and kindness of my partner, family and friends throughout this experience.
My advice to anyone going through this or knowing someone, is keep communicating and please just remember it’s not just the women going through this, please don’t forget about the men.