Rainbows mean so much to us now…

Megan shares her experience of having a missed miscarriage during lockdown. If you're looking for more information about the impact of coronavirus on your care please have a look at the link at the bottom of this page.

I was very worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle the pain/bleeding and that I’d have to go to A&E in the middle of the pandemic; that really added to the feelings of isolation and fear that where so real during these weeks.

I found out I was pregnant on 28th March, 5 days into lockdown and our 6-month wedding anniversary! I was excited, nervous, already thinking of names. We told our families when I was 8 weeks along as we just couldn’t wait and we all needed some good news in light of the Covid-19 situation. Of course, they were ecstatic to say the least!

On 11th May I had my first scan. I was upset that my husband wouldn’t be able to join me, but the midwife said I could video it on my phone so that gave me a bit of comfort. She couldn’t pick anything up on the scan. Then she found a tiny little motionless baby.

She said I might have got my dates wrong so I checked my phone where I had all the info and I was sure I was correct. She rang our local hospital and got me an appointment with the Early Pregnancy Clinic for 2 hours later – the longest 2 hours of my life.

We got to the hospital and again my husband had to wait outside. It was unnerving being at the hospital during this virus, but I still felt comfort in how I was treated by midwives and doctors. The midwife did an internal scan and confirmed our baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks and 2 days. A doctor came in and did a further check and agreed that we had lost our wee baby. They pointed me towards the Miscarriage Association, a webpage I had open on my phone every day until recently.

As I had had no signs that I has miscarried, they made me an appointment for a week’s time and sent me home. So, we went home with scan photos of our little baby, so tiny.

For that week I had very mild period like cramps and my legs were quite sore, nothing major and I think it was mostly my mind in knowing that our baby was no longer growing. I was very worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle the pain/bleeding and that I’d have to go to A&E in the middle of the pandemic; that really added to the feelings of isolation and fear that where so real during these weeks.

A week later, we visited the hospital again and I chose the medical management option. The midwife said that due to Covid-19 they were only offering the surgery option as a last resort. So, I went home and took the tablets and waited; nothing.

I went back to the hospital 2 days later and they gave me another dose of the tablets; nothing. I went back to the hospital a week later having started bleeding ever so slightly about 4 days after taking the second dose of tablets. The midwife asked me to think about the surgical option and give her a call the next day. This terrified me. But I knew it would give a sense of finality to the waiting, so I was considering it.

That evening, I got more intense pains in my stomach and back and was bleeding a lot more. I was sitting on the sofa as I stood, I could just feel what I can only describe as a dropping feeling. My husband helped me upstairs to the bathroom. I was shaking from fear. As I sat on the toilet the bleeding became more intense. I just sat there crying. After a while I moved to my bed and as I got up from sitting there for about 20 mins, I felt that same dropping feeling and I knew that was it. Despite the awfulness of the situation, my body knew what to do – I’m so thankful for that.

Again, I went to the bathroom, not wanting to take my underwear down as I knew what I would see. After that I had a very sleepless night, with cramps, and rang the hospital in the morning to arrange to go and get scanned. When I did, the midwife confirmed there was nothing in my womb; it’s surreal to hear that at this point. She told me to take a pregnancy test in 2 weeks and if it came up negative then it was all over.

I did the pregnancy test and it was negative; it’s strange to want it to be after wanting a positive result.

It has been a traumatic time, a total of 16 days between finding out my baby had stopped growing and losing my baby’s body. The impact of Covid has heightened this trauma, particularly being away from family and friends. We have taken the rainbows that have been a symbol of thanks and hope during this pandemic as a reminder of this time and our precious baby, Boe.