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Feelings about pregnancy after loss

Rachel shares her experience of having two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. She talks about her feelings about pregnancy after loss and having a miscarriage during the coronavirus pandemic.

I don’t know what I’m more afraid of - falling pregnant again or not falling pregnant again.

I had my first pregnancy back in 2010, a successful pregnancy with a perfect little boy. Then in 2016 I was pregnant again. I was ecstatic about finding out my son was going to be a big brother.

Sadly after only a week of finding out, I had a miscarriage. It made us realise we 100% wanted another baby. So we tried again and less than 8 weeks later we found out we were pregnant again.

But I knew something was wrong, I had been bleeding for 3 weeks. I thought it may have been to do with recovering from the miscarriage, but I asked for a scan. After several days of hospital visits and scans and blood tests, we found out it was in fact an ectopic pregnancy and that same day I was rushed to theatre for my tube to be removed.

I then gave up hope and thought my body had given up on me. I stopped trying and went on contraception.

After a year, just before our wedding, I stopped taking the pill and within a month I was pregnant again! I had 4 scans all before my 12 week scan and all showed the tiniest heartbeat. But the anxiety and worry never left me, even until the day he was born. I had my perfect second child at 37 weeks.

And in August 2020 I found out I was pregnant AGAIN! The lines kept getting darker on the tests, but with light spotting my anxiety was kicking in. Although I have two healthy children I couldn’t help but think something was wrong with this pregnancy and that it wasn’t going to be successful.

A scan at 5 weeks showed a tiny sac starting and another at 6 showed a perfect heartbeat on the screen. But again, my anxiety just knew something was up.

The spotting started again and at around 11 weeks I had another scan, all alone due to covid restrictions, a week before my 12 week scan. When the sonographer told me she needed to do an internal scan my heart broke. I’m a nurse, and I’ve had two children, I know you don’t need an internal scan at 11 weeks. She then said those heartbreaking words, “I’m so sorry Rachel, there’s no heartbeat”.

Being alone, without any support, was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Leaving the hospital on my own to drive home to my family was awful.

I had been told to wait a week and if nothing happened to go back for a D and C. But 4 days later the bleeding started. I was home alone with my two year old at the time. I couldn’t face miscarrying my baby at home so I went to hospital and within two hours I passed my tiny little baby in hospital… Again, all alone with no support around me.

This then led to a long stint of being off work and needing counselling and therapy.

I feel guilty being upset as I have two perfectly healthy children, but I long for another. I’ve always wanted to be a mam and to have a huge family.

I’m now feeling better mentally, but I don’t know what I’m more afraid of – falling pregnant again or not falling pregnant again.