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Painted toe nails

Hina reflects: ‘Allah had a plan for you and this was not it.’

I got my toe nails painted on the day I knew you were there

In celebration of my new love affair

I painted my toes red, all I did was stare

Positive, two to three weeks it was so amazing to me

A life long love affair is what anticipated me

I finally understood why I craved tobasco on everything and why my moods would swing as high as the storms which break the wind

I told your grandmother first, and for the first time in years we embraced, a real chesty embrace where we both for the first time in our history shared a feeling of earth and space

I told your father second, and the look on his face filled my heart with the faith that brings me the knowledge that you were loved from the moment those words left my face

I took you to Paris, you went up the Eiffel Tower and to the Louvre
Tasted some French macaroons which I know you loved because you made me eat lots!

We spent a lot of time with your Aunty Aisha and we followed on to Barcelona where I felt at peace with you.

We sat in la Sagrada famila and cried. It may have been the scale of the beauty around me or the hormone imbalances that left me teary perhaps I felt unknowingly wary

After ten days of being away, we came home to an immaculate space, Daddy had been cleaning with pride on his face welcomed us with his warm embrace

Kissed me on my tummy and said salaam peanut, that was too you

10 weeks on and you are gone

Allah had a plan for you and this was not it, your heart only beat just for a little bit

Your tiny body was not any bigger than a date, it comforts me to know that you did not feel any hate

The world can be bitter and a sad place

But know that it’s better for you to be in Allah’s embrace

I hope to see you at the gates of heaven when my time comes to see your face

You are loved and my heart will always have space

For you my peanut

My toenails are still painted, I’m just not ready to take off that red

Hina Jabeen

Hina’s blog

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