Natasha shares her story of recurrent loss, how it has affected her and her husband and their hopes for the future.
No reason for the losses has ever been found... Our journey is taking us down a different path now, which will hopefully bring us what we wish for in another way. We hope to adopt.
My journey started just before I realised.
I was 28 and woke up one morning to horrible stomach pains and bleeding. I tried to get myself ready for the day and could not stand up as I showered. I took myself off to bed for the day and after some heavy bleeding things calmed down. Having had painful periods from time to time all my life I thought nothing off it, until a few weeks later, and earlier than expected, I started to bleed again.
I went to see my GP who very bluntly told me I had probably had a miscarriage, but there was nothing that could be done about it now so maybe I should just forget it. This really shocked and upset me as I had not even been considering having a child at that time.
Then on my 30th birthday my boyfriend, who’d I’d been with for 9 years, and I decided it would be a good time to start a family. Nothing happened for a few years, but as I worked shifts and life was hectic we did not think too much about it.
Then we fell pregnant. We were elated – the planning starts from the moment you see that little line.
We told close friends and I had to tell my employer as I am an emergency services worker, which can sometimes see me in situations where I would not want to be knowing I was pregnant.
Our world fell apart at our first scan. The excitement you feel while waiting is soon torn away when you hear the words “I’m so sorry, but there is no heartbeat”.
I remember leaving the room crying, only to be faced with a heavily pregnant, smiling woman. We were then ushered to the side to wait to see the early pregnancy nurse who discussed our options with us.
Since then we have gone on to have 8 other losses. One of these was ectopic and one was twins, which I found out about two days before we got married.
We have had numerous tests and consultations. We have been part of research programs, changed diets, tried to stress less… but nothing has changed and no reason for the losses has ever been found.
For 10 years I have tried to put on a brave face, to find a reason or excuse – “it’s just not our time”, “it’s nature’s way”, “maybe I was stressing too much”.
I have lost friends who have not been able to understand why I could not go to their baby shower, or hold their newborn baby. I have struggled to talk to people who have “accidentally” fallen pregnant and through my work have had to deal with mothers who have been for what ever reason unfit to deal with their children and still they have another.
But I have also had the support of the most incredible man. He has cried with me and picked me up. He will never let me blame myself – which I do, often. He has been by my side though every miscarriage, scan, operation, fertility appointment, and the months where the disappointment is too much to bear.
We have grown so much closer to each other and we have found the people around us who we can truly rely on. It’s been the hardest thing for us to ever have to face, but we have done it.
Our journey is taking us down a different path now, which will hopefully bring us what we wish for in another way. We hope to adopt.
I have started to talk about what we have been through with other people and in my place of work. Miscarriage and loss can be such a taboo subject, with too many of us suffering in silence.
This is a part of me moving forward and I hope that me sharing my story helps others.