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Natalie’s story

Natalie tells her story of having had two missed miscarriages - one during lockdown - and how she turned to the Miscarriage Association helpline for support. If you're looking for more information about the impact of coronavirus on your care please have a look at the link at the bottom of this page.

We were handed the Miscarriage Association card by a nurse... I found great comfort in knowing I could ring them if I needed someone. Especially at the moment when everyone is so frightened by what is going on in the world. I didn't feel a burden on anyone as the woman I spoke to made me feel at ease.

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 5 years. We have had two missed miscarriages. One during this pandemic and one a year ago.

The first time we managed to fall pregnant we lived in Northern Ireland and our families were in England. We had only just managed to conceive this once so this was a huge deal – after 5 years of negative pregnancy tests finally this was the one!

When we found out we has a missed miscarriage we were completely heartbroken.We suffered greatly through this. One comfort was being offered the D&C as it allowed me to see less of the pregnancy loss.

We tried again and moved back to England to be closer to family in case we fell pregnant again.

Every month I tortured myself with pregnancy tests and ovulation tests. I was/am desperate to be a mum. My husband, he is desperate to be a father, although sees what I put myself through and is trying to be very passive about trying as he worries so much about the grief I put myself through for a baby.

On 18/05/2020 we found out that we were pregnant again. I did everything I could to help with a healthy pregnancy. I took my pregnancy vitamins, ate well and looked after myself. I work block shifts in autism support and often work 79/64 hour shifts.  I told work as soon as I knew I was pregnant at 4 weeks as I didn’t want to take any risks.

One day I finished work at 9pm, I began bleeding. My partner took me to A&E. We were there until 1am, worrying, and I was offered a scan in the morning, to make sure all was ok.

At the scan I was only 6 weeks so very little showed. But the radiographer was able to tell me there were 2 sacs – one was a healthy pregnancy and the other a bleed site. This put my mind at rest as she advised me so long as they stayed apart  all will be ok. I was relieved and I just took it easy as not to risk any harm to the baby.

We had a mini break booked in Copenhagen, we decided to honour this as the bleeding had stopped and we were confident at this stage the baby was ok.

On the last day of our break when heading home I began to bleed again. This time through to my jeans by the time we reached the airport home. I was heartbroken. We had spent our time away imagining all our adventures, names for our little baby and what we may be having.

The follow up scan showed no heartbeat. I instinctively knew in my heart of hearts walking into that scan and cried before I even sat in the chair. I knew that they were going to tell us this had happened again.

At this point we as a country were starting to go into lockdown for Covid-19. We pushed forward the dreaded confirmation scan.

Once confirmed we were offered only medical management or natural loss due to coronavirus. The MVA and D&C were not available, to safeguard patients from the risk of catching the virus.

I chose medical management. Over 3 days I lost at home what I imagined to be the main pregnancy matter and continued to bleed. The first night after taking the medical management option I was in agony in and out the bath for pain relief and hot water bottles.

The day I was finally due to go back to work, lockdown had started. I rang the Miscarriage Association who advised if I needed someone to talk to even for 5 minutes when back at work, they were there. The woman was so comforting and all I had suppressed came out. Being able to talk to someone who I didn’t know allowed me to be more open with how low I was feeling. I found great comfort in knowing I could ring them if I needed someone. Especially at the moment when everyone is so frightened by what is going on in the world. I didn’t feel a burden on anyone as the woman I spoke to make me feel at ease.

I knew tomorrow was to be difficult. Not only my first day back at work, but our first wedding anniversary (lived together for years unmarried) and also my birthday. I began bleeding continuously the night leading to this and ended up in A&E overnight on morphine and a drip. They told me the pregnancy hadn’t all come away. The next morning I had two manual removals and an emergency scan. My husband wasn’t even allowed on the ward due to Covid-19 policies.

I was terrified but I am ok now and have stayed ever optimistic that one day we will be parents.

For the baby we lost in Northern Ireland, I was offered in the hospital to have investigations on the foetus, but instead chose a church burial. We did not know at the time that in England investigations are not offered until 3 consecutive miscarriages.

We were handed the Miscarriage Association card by a nurse in the hospital whilst comforting me. Even not ringing them knowing I could was a truly big part in helping me get better as I knew I had someone to talk to if I needed it.

I would like this story to help someone, somewhere going through a similar heartbreak especially at this time in the world. I hope it lifts you to know you are not alone.