My ectopic pregnancy
I’m a worrier by nature
Worrying’s what I do
The thoughts spin round inside my head
I sometimes feel unglued.
The past few months have really sucked
I’ve felt a little weird
I’ve had very little upset,
Not felt as I had feared.
I thought I’d be quite teary,
And cry at everything,
Seeing all the babies clothes and what feelings that might bring,
Seeing pregnant mummy tums
And looking on with woe,
Hearing gurgling babies, parents whispering to them real low,
Children playing in the park and toddlers toddling round
Squeals of their enjoyment at the wonders that they’ve found
Mums to be are everywhere
I spot them more and more
I envy them a little bit
But not down to my core
I haven’t really felt that bad,
I guess a little numb
I worry that I’m holding back
That the sadness soon will come
I worry that I’ll never have what those women soon will know
Maybe I want this more than I will ever actually show.
To have the first excitement after peeing on a stick,
To be told congratulations, now you’ll likely be quite sick
To getting to the eight week scan and seeing on the screen,
Our little speck of happiness, our gorgeous baby bean,
To hear our baby’s heartbeat
And to feel them move inside
To know that they are safe in there and are ready for the ride
Getting bigger every day and prepping things at home
Sorting out a nursery for my mini me, my clone,
Nine months go so quickly
And they’ll soon be on the way
Packing for the hospital, it could be any day,
To have them place you in my arms as soon as you are born,
I’m sure that I’ll forget the days when I was so forlorn,
The day they said “I’m sorry
This isn’t going well,
Your pregnancy’s ectopic
I’m sad to have to tell”
The shock of all that happened on that November 7th day
The day they put me under and took my tube away
I haven’t fully managed to recover from all that
But it’s only now I write it down I realise I feel quite flat
Despondent is another word to describe what’s going on
Although I know I’m not alone, I’m not the only one,
I’m hoping that I’ll find some peace
from writing this all down
I didn’t know how much I hurt –
I don’t always have a frown
I must remember that it’s OK
To feel the way I feel
Happy, sad and in between
All of them are real.
By Charlotte