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My ectopic pregnancy

I’m a worrier by nature

Worrying’s what I do

The thoughts spin round inside my head

I sometimes feel unglued.

 

The past few months have really sucked

I’ve felt a little weird

I’ve had very little upset,

Not felt as I had feared.

 

I thought I’d be quite teary,

And cry at everything,

Seeing all the babies clothes and what feelings that might bring,

 

Seeing pregnant mummy tums

And looking on with woe,

Hearing gurgling babies, parents whispering to them real low,

 

Children playing in the park and toddlers toddling round

Squeals of their enjoyment at the wonders that they’ve found

 

Mums to be are everywhere

I spot them more and more

I envy them a little bit

But not down to my core

 

I haven’t really felt that bad,

I guess a little numb

I worry that I’m holding back

That the sadness soon will come

 

I worry that I’ll never have what those women soon will know

Maybe I want this more than I will ever actually show.

 

To have the first excitement after peeing on a stick,

To be told congratulations, now you’ll likely be quite sick

 

To getting to the eight week scan and seeing on the screen,

Our little speck of happiness, our gorgeous baby bean,

 

To hear our baby’s heartbeat

And to feel them move inside

To know that they are safe in there and are ready for the ride

 

Getting bigger every day and prepping things at home

Sorting out a nursery for my mini me, my clone,

 

Nine months go so quickly

And they’ll soon be on the way

Packing for the hospital, it could be any day,

 

To have them place you in my arms as soon as you are born,

I’m sure that I’ll forget the days when I was so forlorn,

 

The day they said “I’m sorry

This isn’t going well,

Your pregnancy’s ectopic

I’m sad to have to tell”

 

The shock of all that happened on that November 7th day

The day they put me under and took my tube away

 

I haven’t fully managed to recover from all that

But it’s only now I write it down I realise I feel quite flat

 

Despondent is another word to describe what’s going on

Although I know I’m not alone, I’m not the only one,

 

I’m hoping that I’ll find some peace

from writing this all down

I didn’t know how much I hurt –

I don’t always have a frown

 

I must remember that it’s OK

To feel the way I feel

Happy, sad and in between

All of them are real.

 

By Charlotte

 

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