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Mitch and Janki’s story: our missed miscarriage

In Mitch and Janki's story, they share their experience of a missed miscarriage. They describe how their loss impacted them, the physical process, and the support they received from medical professionals, and eachother.

We are pregnant – we’re having our first baby!! The second line on the home pregnancy test was oh so faint that I thought I was just imagining it, maybe it’s just what I want to see, I keep second guessing whether it was even there? I did a test each day for the next 5 days and it was real, it was absolutely real we were having a baby. Mitch and I experienced so many emotions over those first couple of days – surprised, shocked, scared, sheer happiness! Everything was so unknown to us, when do we tell family / friends, how many weeks am I, when will I start to get full pregnancy symptoms, we have so many things to do and plan before December – so little time! So many unanswered questions in my head but I initially knew I wanted to make sure everything was okay, and so I opted for a private reassurance scan.

The reassurance scan from our perspective, went just as we thought it would be. We were told there was 1 live embryo, with a viable heartbeat measuring over 6.7mm, but I was in fact 6 weeks pregnant not the 8 weeks I had calculated. We then saw our little ‘nugget’, right there on the big screen and before we knew it, there it was the perfect glimmer of a heartbeat – it was all so perfect to us! For us, this was our reassurance that everything was happening just as it should be and we couldn’t be any happier – our fairytale, our picture perfect world continued and we were over the moon! 

The following 3 weeks we lived and breathed an abundance of love from our immediate family and close friends! We all were starting to make a number of plans in our heads, so many exciting things to look forward to – a feeling like no other! My pregnancy symptoms were mostly just fatigue and nausea but I felt so excited and happy to be entering this new phase in life. Then around 9/10 weeks into my pregnancy I started lightly spotting, it was the type where it could have easily gone unnoticed but I am a natural worrier so I immediately started researching it and concluded that everyone noted that was normal – phew.

A couple days later I noticed a pea sized clot in the toilet bowl – that’s not normal! I’m not bleeding at the moment so why have I just noticed a blood clot that doesn’t seem right, a couple hours later I began to get very noticeable, uncomfortable cramps, ones I hadn’t experienced in this pregnancy before. I was calm but felt uneasy so I contacted my midwife who asked me to contact the Early Pregnancy Unit if the pain and bleeding continued. I was triaged to the EPU unit and was immediately given an ultrasound appointment for the following day. I felt a sense of relief that I would be seen too, the bleeding didn’t increase, the cramps came and went – it all felt manageable to me, so I wasn’t overly worried.  

The next day was the day of the emergency ultrasound appointment. I felt calm, didn’t have any negative thoughts but the bleeding and cramps reappeared, but they came and then went therefore nothing seemed alarming to us so I went to the ultrasound with my younger sister. 

All we needed to know was the baby was okay and that bleeding cramping symptoms were normal, and we were even excited that my sister would see our little ‘nugget’ too – how exciting! The sonographer explained the process. I went in with a full bladder thinking the scan would be the usual abdominal ultrasound, but I was soon told that actually the baby was too small so she’d need to do a transvaginal scan therefore was asked to empty my bladder! – I thought nothing of it, off I went to empty my bladder, came back and laid on the chair. 

The wait was unbearable, I just wanted to see our baby on the screen, maybe even moving, or maybe I’d get another chance to listen to the heartbeat. More silence, the sonographer asked how far along I thought I was, I explained that I had a private reassurance scan couple weeks ago where they said I was 6 weeks 3 days and the embryo was measuring over 6mm, she quietly then responded ‘unfortunately I am sorry to say that the embryo is only measuring at 3mm and I can’t find a heartbeat you are likely having a missed miscarriage’– I thought my heart had in fact stopped, did I hear what she said correctly, what does she mean it’s only 3mm, how has the heartbeat stopped, the baby was fine a couple of weeks ago, look I have the picture, I even have a video the heart was flickering, I don’t understand, will the baby be okay? In that moment I felt the world had just stopped, I felt confusion, there was so much unknown and all I felt was utter darkness! I was told that the staff nurse will be able to explain the options I have in further detail in a couple of minutes and to wait outside in the waiting area. 

My sister and I, my poor sister who had accompanied me to this appointment with so much hope and joy was also completely taken back and shocked. We therefore sat in the waiting area for what felt like hours. The staff nurse called me into a room and explained that unfortunately they wouldn’t be able to go off the private reassurance scan I therefore would need to book me in for another ultrasound in a week’s time to review the progress of the pregnancy, however from what they can see I am likely to experience a missed miscarriage based on what they can see, therefore I had a couple of options, 1. To let the process happen naturally, 2. I would receive medicine to help the process happen, 3. Operation under general anesthesia which will clear out the remaining pregnancy tissue – in my head I just could not understand why these were my options, what had happened, when and why? I didn’t want to understand the next steps, all I wanted to know was what was happening now! I only had light bleeding and cramps. Why has it come to this? I just felt so confused! The nurse booked a follow up ultrasound scan in 7 days time, I was told to rest and if the bleeding and cramps worsened then to come back or call 111.

The drive home was somewhat eerie, a lot of silence, I think we both used the time to take in what had just happened. I could tell my sister and I had this sense of instilled hope on the surface but deep down inside knew that things weren’t good. I felt extremely sad, confused, I couldn’t get my head around how things were so perfect a couple weeks ago, my symptoms were minimal but I am now being told the most horrific news of my life! Why has my body betrayed me, everything has been okay, I had felt fine? Maybe I did something wrong? What could that have been? Why has this happened to me, to us? 

We reached home and I explained what I was told at the EPU to Mitch and he was absolutely devastated, confused, it was an utter shock to us both we were beyond heart broken!! We hugged, cried, tried to make each other comprehend this whole situation – but we just couldn’t. The day progressed, the symptoms were minimal, I was moving around as usual, I felt normal. The following day again felt normal therefore, the diagnosis we were given the day before, just seemed deranged! However, that evening around 11pm is when the nightmare began. I woke up just before midnight with a sudden urge to pee. I ran to the toilet and that is where it all started to go downhill, the miscarriage had in fact started and the bleeding was uncontrollable! I called 111 and explained the last 48 hours. She firmly asked that I make my way to A&E immediately, wearing a new sanitary towel and asked me to take a bath towel with me, which I did. I quickly asked Mitch to pack a hospital bag of essentials too. 

We were in A&E, already triaged and the ED nurse was taking my bloods all within under 30 minutes. I explained the bleeding is uncontrollable and will not stop. She asked us to make our way to the ED ward where a Gynae Consultant would come to visit. I stood up slowly and a gush of blood came pouring down through my leggings – I was distraught, what on earth had just happened! I started to cry uncontrollably, how has this happened? I asked her, what am I going to do? I made my way to the ED ward, I was given a room with a toilet close by which was a godsend but the heavy bleeding continued for the night until the early hours. The bleeding was like no other, no one had warned us how bad it would be, I had no idea that not only will I be bleeding continuously, the cramps would feel like contractions, these cramps were ones that I had never experienced before. The pain stayed for minutes on end and became increasingly unbearable – all I could feel was pain, constant pain mentally and physically. The bleeding continued for hours in the hospital where I passed very large pieces of pregnancy tissue throughout the night, the pregnancy tissue expelled varied in size but the pain continued. 

The Gynae Consultant and Registrar came to visit me twice throughout the night and on both occasions completed a speculum explanation, around 6am in the morning they explained that the cervix was closed therefore they were unsure whether all the pregnancy tissue has yet passed or not – it was hard to tell. I was asked to monitor the bleeding for the next couple of hours and if it had subsided then I would be fine to go home and follow the conservative management option for miscarriage which involved waiting for the pregnancy tissue to resolve naturally, without medical or surgical intervention. The last 6 or so hours had been the worst experience not only for myself but also for Mitch who had been there, sitting on the chair next to me as my shadow of support throughout the night! I may have been enduring the physical pain but it was so evident to see that he too was struggling with the mental pain right beside me, my silent warrior, my world! 

I went back home, and rested as advised for the next few days. The bleeding had in fact started to subside over the course of the next 7 days to somewhat period-like quantity, however the cramps remained constant and painful, I felt so weak, sore and could instantly tell my body needed to rest, I napped quite a lot throughout the week, it was as though I could just sleep for days but I felt I needed that to get my energy back. My second (follow up) NHS ultrasound appointment had come around after all, and we both attended the appointment somewhat knowing that this wasn’t going to be like the ultrasound appointments we imagined and wished for, it was going to be a continuation of the heartbreak we’ve already suffered, however we just wanted to hear some positive news, news that the miscarriage is complete, we’re over the worst of it all as hard as it was to come to terms with it all we just wanted some hopeful news after the devastating experience we had endured over the last 7 days. 

The sonographer in the EPU department was amazing, she just had that human, kind, caring nature. She explained each step she took and after a couple of minutes, shared the words we already knew about the pregnancy, however she took the time to explain what she could and couldn’t see and gave us some reassuring news that my ovaries were healthy, no abnormalities, however as we were hopefully expecting that there was now no sign of the gestation sac meaning that the majority of the pregnancy tissue had passed – phew, sadly that was the hopeful news we wanted to hear. We both felt extremely sad that the ultrasound confirmed that we were no longer having a baby, devastated to have our crushed dreams confirmed. We were told that there is still some pregnancy tissue remaining but the percentage is low, we were even shown the image on the screen which gave us further comfort that the body was doing what it should naturally. Following a brief look at the screen, again we were told that the senior nurse will be able to explain the options I have in further detail in a couple of minutes and to wait outside in the waiting area and the sonographer shared her final condolences. For us, at that moment, at the EPU unit we couldn’t have asked for a more hopeful outcome from an overall horrible situation.

We waited a couple of minutes for the senior nurse to arrive, we didn’t mind the wait because it gave Mitch and I a chance to just gather our thoughts, have a chat, have a cuddle! The senior nurse we spoke to couldn’t have been more informative, supportive and kind. We were told that the pregnancy tissue remaining wasn’t a considerable amount therefore she recommended continuing with the conservative management option, she booked in for yet another ultrasound in 2 weeks time and asked me to take a pregnancy test ahead of the scan to ensure that miscarriage has fully passed. 

She also kindly explained the various different types of support there is when it comes to miscarriages, asked if I required any pain relief and even explained next steps for us. I found that she listened, she took the time to really understand how we both felt and shared her knowledge! I had a lot of questions, why did this happen, will it happen again, when will the bleeding stop, I knew she wouldn’t be able to answer all my questions but knowing a healthcare professional was there listening and sharing whatever information they could meant a lot to both of us. We couldn’t have left the room with any more information and Mitch and I both felt we were given the care, support and guidance we needed following such a traumatic experience. 

I’m not sure anyone can ever prepare themselves to go through a miscarriage, the mental and physical pain both for mother and father to be is unimaginable, however having the right support, love from our immediate family, friends, work colleagues and those special healthcare professionals meant we could get through this dreadful experience and see some glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. 

For us this experience was utterly heartbreaking, however, ‘you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice’.

We hope and pray that those who have experienced this pain are able to come away stronger and for us we really hope that in the near future we can get pregnant with our rainbow baby and experience our own little fairytale ending.