Michelle’s story
Michelle shares some of the helpful and less-helpful comments she received following on from each of her three miscarriages.
People’s responses to miscarriage can be so different. Some people would ask how I was whereas others just didn’t know what to say and would avoid saying anything to me about it.
I have always been open about my miscarriages. The first time I was seven weeks pregnant and I started bleeding. I was totally devastated. The following year I got pregnant again and had my rainbow baby, my little boy George. After George, we tried for another baby. I sadly had two further miscarriages, both around eight weeks.
With the first miscarriage, I would hear a lot of ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ or ‘there must have been something wrong with it, better to have happened now than later on’ or ‘at least you can get pregnant.’
After I had George, followed by two further miscarriage people would say, ‘at least you have George you should be happy with that’ or ‘it wasn’t properly formed.’
Being in hospital was really traumatic. You are sat in a room full of pregnant women with big bulging stomachs. I felt sick sitting there and seeing couples with their lovely scan photos. I felt my heart was breaking.
The first miscarriage was managed naturally but the other two I had the surgical procedure. The second time was the most difficult. The radiographer had told us there was no heartbeat, but the consultant asked us to leave it a couple of weeks and come back and do another scan. I felt he wasn’t listening to me as I kept telling him I know I have lost my baby. He made me feel like I wanted to murder my baby. After an exhausting discussion, after I told them I couldn’t wait any longer, knowing my baby is dead inside me, did they agree for me to have the operation. Waiting two weeks, just to see, was never an option for me.
People’s responses to miscarriage can be so different. Some people would ask how I was whereas others just didn’t know what to say and would avoid saying anything to me about it.
I just wanted someone to talk to and listen to me. However, even now I find people are still making judgements. I often hear ‘aren’t you going to have any more’ or ‘don’t you want more children.’ In response, I always tell them I have had three miscarriages.
I have learnt to accept this has happened to me. At first I was worried about saying something as I didn’t want to upset people but now I think it has happened to me and I am going to tell you the truth.
After my 2nd miscarriage, when they said there was no heartbeat, I thought I can’t do this anymore. My partner and I spoke about it and thought I would give it one more shot. In my heart, I knew I would miscarry.
Sometimes what professionals say can be challenging. After my second miscarriage, a family support worker told me she had loads of miscarriages, but it doesn’t matter you just keep trying. I thought of my son and that I can’t keep focusing on a new baby when I have him to care for.
Michelle