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Little Sesame

A description of a missed miscarriage, diagnosed at 8 weeks, confirmed at 9 weeks and then miscarrying naturally.

All I could think of was that my sesame was gone. I no longer had a special little sparkle inside me. The waiting and the wondering and the disbelief were over and this had really happened to me.

We had been trying for a baby for about a year and had just started going down the route of fertility tests, IVF had been mentioned although we hadn’t quite got that far yet. It seemed everywhere you looked there were babies and bumps and it was starting to get to me. Things started to become strained, I wasn’t getting any younger, there may be issues with one of us or both of us, I was constantly weeing on sticks and demanding “now” was the right time even if it wasn’t convenient or desired at that moment!

As I did at that time every month, I prepared to do the usual pregnancy test and for it to come back negative. It was a little routine. I popped into Asda en route to a night out and quickly nipped into the loos, the results would be there by the time I had got back to the car. Before I turned the ignition I took a quick look, and there it was, the two lines I had been waiting a year for…

I burst into tears! I rang my other half immediately.. “Guess what….”

It took some time for it to sink in, but only a few days later my boobs expanded, the nausea started and the cravings for warm comfort food began and it suddenly became real. We told no one to begin with and it felt so special having our little secret, it made us feel so close. Despite the nausea I felt like I had a secret sparkle inside me.

We monitored progress on our smart-phone apps, it was the size of a sesame seed, so I nick named it Sesame. I recall saying to my other half I was the happiest I had ever been.

We were aware of the statistics and knew we didn’t really want to tell anyone until the 12 weeks all clear scan “just in case.” At 8 weeks we were only 4 weeks to go to the all clear and were keeping everything crossed. We had a lovely week off together and tried to imagine what it would be like to have a little one with us.

And then it happened. I went back to work, I had quickly nipped to the loo in between meetings, when I saw spots of blood. I panicked, there I was in the ladies loo at work, no one knew I was pregnant, I was scared and alone. I tried to rationalise the situation and looked it up on the internet on my phone, where it said it can be quite normal for some women to bleed, this calmed me down, I took a deep breath and headed to my meeting. Even so I couldn’t concentrate, something was nagging in my head. I had to get home. I had a 60 mile commute to get home, but that was the only place I wanted to be.

Things were ok for the next couple of days, no more bleeding. Then the following day I woke early and I subconsciously notice my whole body felt, what I can only describe as still. It was a strange sensation. I had just started to get used to the array of pregnancy symptoms, it seemed there was always something going on, but that morning my whole body was very calm and very still. Then came more blood, watery, bright red blood.

The doctor told me in no uncertain terms that this was not normal for a healthy pregnancy, I didn’t care much for her blunt delivery of the facts, but this was the first point at which the possibility of miscarriage had started to become real.

I burst into tears.

Off to the EPU – Early Pregnancy Unit for a scan, even at this point I thought it still better to think positive and even teased myself with the idea that we were on our way to hear the heartbeat of our 8 week old baby, 4 weeks sooner than we thought we would be able to.

My bladder was so full I thought I was going to wet myself, I had drunk 2 litres of water just to be sure we would be able to see everything properly, as a consequence I went to the loo three times before the scan and the sonographer still commented on how full I was! If the situation hadn’t been so tense it would have even been funny! There I was, so full I couldn’t even walk!

The scan showed the “baby” was only the size of a 5 week pregnancy and there was no heartbeat. We were told we would have to wait a week to see if there was any growth and if there had been then the baby might be big enough to have a detectable heartbeat.

That was one of the longest weeks of my life. I couldn’t go into work as at least 4 people I sat in close proximity to were heavily pregnant, so I threw myself into some card making and sat it out. I again decided to think positively, I worked out how the dates could be wrong and justified in my own mind that at 5 weeks it would be possible to be too small to see the heartbeat and with no more bleeding all seemed fine…

The following scan came and still no heartbeat. I was told the pregnancy had failed and asked how I wanted to manage the miscarriage. I didn’t believe it. They must have got it wrong, surely if we waited another week there would be more growth and then there would be a heart beat? There was no way I was having the operation or drugs, what if they were wrong, there was only one option for me and that was to wait and see what my body did.

A week later the bleeding and cramps came thick and fast, I couldn’t deny it any longer. There was both relief the waiting was over and sadness and I accepted the reality of the situation. The pain intensified over the next four days, as did the bleeding. The painkillers didn’t do much to help the pain and so I ended up in A and E where I passed my “baby.” That was a shock, I wasn’t really expecting that. But once I had passed the pregnancy the pain stopped. My body again felt calm and still.

The hospital said they would give the baby a little funeral. That was strange, I hadn’t even thought of that.

All I could think of was that my sesame was gone. I no longer had a special little sparkle inside me. The waiting and the wondering and the disbelief were over and this had really happened to me.

I felt numb, confused, sad, tense, my head was like a thick fog, like I wasn’t really there, a bit like being in a cartoon, then I would be overwhelmed with grief at times, the tears came and I thought they would never stop, other times I felt numb like it hadn’t really happened to me but was just something I had seen on tv.

I can’t remember now what it felt like to have that special sparkle inside me. I can only hope that one day I might feel it again.

Goodbye little Sesame. xxx