Lauren talks about her experience of having two miscarriages and her feelings when pregnant after loss. She shares how, after having her baby, it is still difficult for her to think about trying again.
We found out I was pregnant again... I was absolutely terrified. I didn’t believe I could have a successful pregnancy.
In April 2018, I got the two magical blue lines on a pregnancy test. We were so excited. At 12 weeks I told our family and friends the news. That same day, I started to bleed. I went to the hospital and heard the heartbreaking words, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat”.
We were completely and utterly devastated. We booked to go back later that week for a D&C which was really difficult, going home and rubbing my stomach knowing that the pregnancy was not successful. However, the next day I started to bleed heavily and my husband found me unconscious. I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance and after two hours in Resus I was eventually rushed to theatre for an emergency operation.
In August 2018, I got the same two blue lines again. This time it was a mixed feeling of excitement and being absolutely terrified. I went for a scan early, at 5 weeks, but was told they couldn’t see anything and to go back in two weeks. The two weeks felt like two years. I couldn’t switch off, I was so anxious.
We went for the second scan and it wasn’t good news. Although I had a positive pregnancy test and all of the classic symptoms, there was an empty pregnancy sac. After three days in hospital, I was again taken to theatre for an operation to remove the pregnancy sac.
Our world and hopes were completely shattered. It was so cruel, I had all the pregnancy symptoms, but no baby.
In March 2019, we found out I was pregnant again. As you can imagine there was no excitement at all this time. Just fear, anxiety and stress. I was absolutely terrified. I didn’t believe I could have a successful pregnancy.
I didn’t buy anything for the baby and at every scan I didn’t believe it was real. I thought it was a fake image. I had hyperemesis gravidarum for the whole 9 months and a front placenta meant I never felt any kicks or movement, which brought even more anxiety.
I had my rainbow baby in December 2019 and she’s absolutely perfect. I still can’t believe she’s mine. Then of course Covid hit and I’ve had to keep her to myself, which has been hard, but I’m just so lucky to have her.
Now we want to start thinking of baby no.2 and all of the fears are back and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through it again.