Kenzie’s story

Kenzie shares her story of having a miscarriage at 16. She talks about how she feels and how she remembers her baby.

Knowing how young I was, and possibly miscarrying, I was shocked no one really helped or gave me support.

Just after my 16th birthday, in December, I got pregnant…

At the start of January I was due my period, but it never came. I told my boyfriend and he told me to wait and see. I started feeling sick, my stomach was constantly feeling bloated and my mood swings were all over the place. I was scared to take a test, so I waited.

On the 19th of January I started bleeding, but not as heavy as my period. My boyfriend and I went on a walk and after about 15 minutes I fell to the grass and was shaking. I was in unbelievable amounts of pain, throwing up and a sky high temperature. He carried me home and bought some pregnancy tests. I took 3 and they all came back positive.

Because I was bleeding I feared the worst and told my cousin. I then took a test which told me I was around 4-5 weeks. The bleeding finally stopped and everything was fine.

My boyfriend and I argued a lot in that week about whether we could keep it and give it the best life, or if we should abort it. I knew I could never abort my baby, so it was up to him to be there or not. He stayed and supported my decision. We told family and everyone was happy about it and supported us.

Then on the 21st of February I woke up and was bleeding a lot. I knew something was definitely wrong this time. I was in so much pain my mum took me to A&E. They wouldn’t give me a scan and told me they had to take my bloods instead. Knowing how young I was, and possibly miscarrying, I was shocked no one really helped or gave me support.

I knew this was it, I knew I’d lost the baby – a ‘mother’s instinct’. I was feeling the worst, having pregnant women walk past me telling me it’s worth it even though I knew I’d lost the baby already. I just wanted to go home. My mum picked my boyfriend up on the way back from hospital to stay with us.

I knew I needed a scan, just to be sure. So my mum booked a private scan and my boyfriend and I went the next day. It was the most horrible experience ever. I walked in and all around me were happy, pregnant women who couldn’t wait for their scans. I was there crying, feeling numb and not sure if we were even going to see our baba for the first time.

We walked in and she struggled to find anything. I knew for definite what had happened. She told me to wait and gave me 3 glasses of water. We went back in and still nothing. As we were walking out I was asked if I wanted a scan picture. I said “no, not when there’s nothing there” and cried. We were told it was maybe too early to see anything. Like I didn’t know myself and my own body.

On the car ride home I was feeling empty and shocked. I started to shut down.

I went to my appointment like I was told to, 3 days after my private scan. At hospital they told me I had to go in alone, which I did. I told an older woman, a nurse, about my bloods and that I never got the results and she walked out, not answering me. She came back with a folder, holding the door open so everyone could hear, telling me “it came back negative”. I was once again feeling numb, and shocked that no one could have told me sooner.

The nurse passed me a miscarriage pack and said it was a waste of time me coming here and that the appointment could have been used for someone else. I walked out, got in the car, came home and cried, feeling the lowest I’d felt. This baby had been the only thing keeping me going and now it was gone.

I was waiting for the bleeding and pain to stop, knowing the baby was going and there was nothing I could do. It broke my heart and my boyfriend’s too. He held me while we both cried, knowing that we would never meet our baby.

I would have been around 12 weeks today and the pain is still there. It never goes. Time heals, but it will never take away the feeling of guilt and emptiness inside me. The only thing keeping me going now is knowing we can try again and our rainbow baby is only a matter of time away.

No one talks about it or asks about it anymore, like it never happened and that upsets me. My boyfriend and I talk about it a lot and he always tries to help and think positively about it all.

I started a memory box with quotes and gifts, that I can look at and remember our baby, which has helped me a lot.

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