Jess’ story

Jess thought she was OK after her miscarriage - but she fell into a deep depression when her sister announced she was pregnant.

When my sister announced she was pregnant, this is where my mental health took a nosedive, I fell into deep depression. I was able to hide it from my family and friends for so long, crying every time I was on my own. Every day felt like a struggle, like I was constantly wading through thick mud. I never wanted to discuss my problems or feelings with anyone.

When we found out we were expecting our second child it was a shock to say the least. It was not planned and our little boy was only eight months old. I suffered terribly with hyperemesis gravidarum from six weeks to the very end of my pregnancy when I was pregnant with my first. The thought of having to go through that all again and having two under two was a really daunting idea for me – an idea I could not get my head around. However after talking with friends, family and my partner I managed to come round to the idea and started enjoying every minute of my pregnancy.

However, the dreaded hyperemesis kicked in again and after a lengthy three days in hospital with over seven litres of fluid pumped into my body I was allowed home. The following day was my first midwife appointment and the day after was my routine scan due to the hyperemesis.

The sonographer was measuring my bump for quite some time (I had quite a bump to say I was only nine and a half weeks pregnant). The thoughts going through my head were ‘maybe its twins’ then ‘maybe it is a lot smaller than I thought’. But as she turned to me, I knew my life would never be the same again. “I am so sorry; we cannot find a heartbeat”. The words were ringing in my ears, when she repeated them again I sat bolt upright and vomited everywhere. She asked if I wanted to see and I immediately said “no and I do not want a picture”. This is my biggest regret. I just wish I had a picture of my baby.

We planned to have a medical miscarriage, I would take some tablets and pessaries and just let the miscarriage happen. When it did eventually happen, I couldn’t cry. I didn’t know how I should feel. Should I be angry, sad or confused? We received a lovely little memory box and a memory bear from two amazing charities.  Then that was it all over and done with.

Life carried on as ‘normal’ for a couple weeks, I felt a twinge of sadness but nothing too dramatic. I was very stubborn about the whole situation and refused to talk about it with anyone. I didn’t want to put my problems onto other people. Then my sister announced she was pregnant. To her this was a miracle baby as she was told a few years ago she was unable to have any more children.

This is where my mental health took a nosedive, I fell into deep depression. I was able to hide it from my family and friends for so long, crying every time I was on my own. Every day felt like a struggle, like I was constantly wading through thick mud. I never wanted to discuss my problems or feelings with anyone.

My appearance started to change and I had started giving up. One day my manager took me to one side and asked if I was ok as he had noticed I had changed. This is where it all came out; I told him the truth about how I was feeling, and the severity of it. He was amazing. He advised me that I should not feel ashamed and that it is ok not to feel ok. I called my doctors the next day and a week later had an appointment with a grief counsellor about my mental health.

Opening up to my friends, family and also professionals on how I felt really helped me understand how I was feeling and also helped me cope with my feelings. My message to anyone who has gone through or is going through this is please do not feel as though you are on your own. Please speak to someone, anyone, friends, family, professionals and charities.