I’m sorry
Laura shares her story of miscarriage and the next pregnancy, hoping it might help others in similar circumstances.
I cried everyday for our baby and prayed that he or she would return to me. Those months were the darkest of my life.
I’m sorry because if you are reading this then it is highly likely that either you have had a miscarriage or know someone that has, and it’s a devastating thing to happen.
The pain of losing a baby is indescribable and I found that the only people who understood it were those that had been in the same position. So this is my story.
The moment your world falls apart is one you never forget. It feels as if everything has stopped, and then there is a tiny moment of hope when you pray that it’s all a bad dream.
I stared at the screen willing our baby to move, to make a sign to show he or she was alive, to prove the sonographer wrong. But there was no movement, no heartbeat. Our baby had died just three days earlier, at 7 weeks and 5 days. I’d had a missed miscarriage.
No matter how much you read about it on the internet or try to understand what happened and where things went wrong, you can’t. I became somewhat of a recluse and didn’t want to face the world. I had no conversation, no interests, just this constant pain and sadness that I felt would never go away.
Days became weeks, weeks became months and the tears continued. There was a hole in my heart and a piece of me missing. I suddenly seemed to be surrounded by pregnant women, and every time I heard of a friend having their 12-week scan it felt like a knife through my heart.
I cried everyday for our baby and prayed that he or she would return to me. Those months were the darkest of my life.
I don’t like to say “I got through it” because I don’t think of a miscarriage as something you get “through” or “over”, it stays with you forever and becomes part of your life but you learn to live with it.
And we tried again.
It didn’t happen the first month, but it did the second and for the first time in what felt like a long time, I was happy. The tears were of joy not sadness.
Having the early scan was probably the most nervous day of my life. I feared that history would repeat itself and questioned whether I was strong enough to have another miscarriage. Thankfully I never had to find out. Our beautiful baby daughter was born a year and two days after the worst day of my life.
It was a turbulent year, a roller coaster of emotions but it ended with pure joy. At my lowest point I didn’t think I would ever stop feeling the pain, but I did.
It does get easier I promise, but it takes time. Take one day at a time and don’t push yourself to be happy. Do whatever you need to to get through the dark days. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Believe that your baby will return to you, stronger and ready to face the world, and together you will be an unstoppable force.
Laura