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I thought it would be okay

Anna's poem of recurrent loss and a new way forward.

 

First time…

 

It’s common

Years ago people wouldn’t have known

Late period

Early tests now

 

Second time….

 

I’m sorry, your baby seems to be a little small

Surgical, medical or natural?

Just bad luck

More common than you think

 

Third…

 

A tiny heart beat, then the next week a new sonographer ‘how sure are you of your dates?’

Phew some help and testing now

No cause found

More likely to have a baby than not

 

Fourth…

 

Fleeting

Brief thoughts of a pram and a cot

Next day no line

Bam, all done

 

Fifth…

 

Here we go again

Don’t worry, brown blood is old blood

Try to relax

All gone within two weeks, no traces it ever happened on the screen

 

Sixth…

 

Groundhog Day,

methotrexate this time

Crushing despair, I’ve failed again

Hope fading fast and feeling ashamed

Our hearts ache to be Mum and dad

 

Seventh….

 

Two joyful scans and then silence and a gentle voice at the third

I can’t do this again

We’re not doing this again

Exhilarating relief and gut wrenching grief all at once

 

Adoption assessment…

 

Daring to hope

Intrusive questions week in week out

Cautiously looking at baby things online

We might be parents soon