I had a miscarriage at home at 14 weeks
Emily reflects on how online support helped her to feel less alone when she was grieving the loss of her child and all her hopes, dream and plans for the future.
The worst part of it all was realising that my baby had gone and was never coming back. People don’t tell you it’s just the baby you lose, which is horrific enough, but you have to deal with everything else after the initial grief and shock.
I thought about the whole of my child’s future
A few weeks after my 21st I took a home pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant! I was so happy! The nausea, heartburn and exhaustion were tough… but so worth it!
Then at 10 weeks after the peak of nausea, I started to feel better. I was starting to really look forward to the rest of my pregnancy and my future little family. I’d thought about the whole of my child’s future; what they’ll be when they are older, who will they look like, what they’ll be good at, basically everything! I was so excited.
You lose all your hopes and dreams
Then 4 weeks later after the symptoms slowly disappearing, I felt really odd. Like I was really, really ill. I thought I just had a stomach bug and ran to the toilet after some period-like cramps and, well, I don’t think I need to describe what I saw. There was so much blood and the pain was excruciating! The worst part of it all was realising that my baby had gone and was never coming back. People don’t tell you it’s just the baby you lose, which is horrific enough, but you have to deal with everything else after the initial grief and shock. You also lose all those hopes and dreams you had for that baby and your little family, which for me was the worst part of it all. There is no support for this out there. I just didn’t know how to feel or what to do with myself.
I went to the doctors soon after. I went anyway just to make sure everything had been ‘expelled’ (such a lovely medical term). I told the doctor everything that had happened. There was no sympathy, not even the offer of counselling. I felt so angry, upset but mostly let down by my doctors.
I couldn’t help thinking “what if?” What if it was something I had done? Was it my fault?
Forums, blogs and websites helped me feel less lonely
I didn’t receive any physical, mental or emotional support from the doctors. I’d never felt so lonely in my life.
After some time, I took to the forums, blogs and other websites to talk to others who had been through a miscarriage too. The support was amazing! They were all at different stages; some had just realised they were having a miscarriage and some were a few years on. I started to realise that I wasn’t alone.
Then we started to tell those close to us. Some were really supportive, others weren’t so supportive.
Now 5 months on, I still think about my baby every day, thinking about what I lost and who they could have been. But I don’t cry every day any more. I’m starting to feel ‘normal’ now, although it has taken a long time. I didn’t know it took so long for the hormones to calm down. It’s coming up to my baby’s due date and I’m still not sure what I am going to do yet.
You’re not alone
I’m sharing my story to inspire you all to talk, to someone or anyone. And for you to realise that you aren’t alone in this.
Any loss, no matter how big or small, is still a loss. And it’s up to you how, or if, you mark certain dates. I also wanted to let people know that it is ok to grieve. I was told so many times by people that should have been supporting me that I should ‘just get over it’. Well they didn’t know how I felt and how sad I was. There is no timeline for grief and people shouldn’t try to rush you or slow you down. Just go at your own pace.
Miscarriage shouldn’t be a taboo subject nor should it be something to be ashamed of.
We need to talk about our stories and, if we are in the right place, help others.