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Gemma’s story

Gemma shares her story of being pregnant again after a missed miscarriage.

I wanted this baby so much, but couldn’t even contemplate another life changing loss.

We decided to try for a baby after we were married. So, married on a Saturday and – according to dates – pregnant by the Thursday. How lucky were we? Married, baby on the way, and because I was so sick we kept saying it must mean a healthy baby.

My symptoms subsided and I was excited to feel a little normal again. 11 weeks to the day I had a bleed and, after being scanned we were informed I had suffered a missed miscarriage. A term that I had never heard of before. I didn’t know you could grieve so much for someone you hadn’t yet met.

We decided to try again after waiting for a month in between. Again, we fell pregnant very fast. I was terrified. Taking the pregnancy test made me feel dizzy, as I wanted this baby so much, but couldn’t even contemplate another life changing loss.

I felt like I had no emotional connection until the 12 week mark and would often think I wouldn’t relax until the baby was here. I would have moments when we went to bed and I’d think ‘we can do this’, but then wouldn’t allow myself to feel this for very long as I was scared it may be taken away from us.

At 20 weeks, it was discovered our baby had a kidney problem – hereditary from me. This uncovered a whole new rage of emotions. Had I been to blame for baby number one not being here? So, we had lots of extra scans. People would say ‘well at least you get to see the baby more’, I know they were trying to help,  but I couldn’t have felt more different.

My husband was incredible. I wouldn’t sleep a wink the night before a scan and he would give me a little tough love and say ‘well I want to see our baby so you have to come!’.

I personally don’t feel there is enough support for women and their partners when you have suffered a loss, we were given a leaflet at the initial scan and sent on our way. It took three weeks for my miscarriage to complete. Luckily, the medical professionals we encountered at the hospital were amazing. My husband, sister, other family and close friends were my rock and the Miscarriage Association kept me going throughout my sleepless nights and my first few weeks when I fell pregnant for the second time.

However, I can honestly say we would do it all again in a heartbeat. The second pregnancy with Beatrice was so different, I appreciated everything so much more. Every day was a day closer to meeting her and I was so grateful.

I think when you’ve been through the worst, you appreciate pregnancy on a different level.

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