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Finding our way

Twinkle, twinkle, little star…how I wonder what you are,
The wretched time I’ve mourned for you.
How big you are, how little you are. If your hair is dark or fair.
Your eyes, green, hazel, brown or blue?
I felt life flow into you. And I felt it rip away.
The unfairness, the unjustness, the emptiness.
Why, why, why, you couldn’t stay?
So many unanswered questions.
So many heart-twisting cries.
So much pain. No fast solutions.

Twinkle, twinkle little star…up above the world so high,
Your fate was never up to me, or the nurses it would seem.
I tried and tried with all my might!
A happy ending was just a dream.
A 40-day heartbeat and a black and white scan.
A rhythm stopped, a blank page. No plan.
Too little to be recorded as life,
to even ask was causing strife.
Never even given a name,
just thrown away as ‘hospital waste’.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star…like a diamond in the night
I’d imagine you fearful, lost in a vast dark room.
Sitting like a Buddha, chubby legs crossed tight
Eyes wide open, your two needy arms would move,
reaching out for me, but never finding my hand.
Never feeling the love I had for you, or knowing what I had planned.
I had to block that image dead,
my sanity hung on a thread.
I had to try to not see just pain, loss, loneliness and dark,
Depths of grief and hopelessness I had to part.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are.
I felt so guilty moving on, and leaving you behind.
A need to find myself again, I’d fallen down a hole so far.
I couldn’t stay stuck in that place searching for answers I’d never find.
So I searched for you in glimmers of light,
saw you as a guide to find my path.
We’d be reunited if faith and solace in each other we could have.
Just like me, you learned to walk, to place your best foot forward,
together we built up strength, believed in us and our hopes soared.
We leapt out of the darkness and to the stars we learned to run.
You danced on my wishes and then.
You found me! Through the gift of my sons.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
how I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
like a diamond in the sky.

When the blazing sun is gone,
when he nothing shines upon.
Then you show your little light,
twinkle, twinkle, all the night.

Then the traveller in the dark,
thanks you for your tiny spark.
She could not see which way to go,
if you did not twinkle so.

Liz

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