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Miscarriage and fertility problems

Emma shares her experience of having two miscarriages and her feelings about the possibility of not having any children.

It’s a hard concept to wrap my mind around, the thought of possibly never having children, and I’m just trying to work out how I feel.

I never really thought about children when I was younger. As I got older that thought changed and I planned to have children at some point in my life, but what was the hurry? I threw myself into life and my career.

When I found myself pregnant (not planned!) it took me quite some time to really think about what was happening and what I really wanted. After a very honest conversation with myself, I realised ‘I do want a baby, this baby’. The feeling of excitement began and I felt ready to share the news with family and friends as I was around 9 weeks.

Before I could share my happiness I woke early one morning with cramps and bleeding. I had no doubt in my mind what was happening, I was miscarrying. I’m a very practical person and practical with what was happening. I stayed at home and followed through with what nature had chosen for me.

Over the next few days the realisation of what had happened set in, I really did want the baby. The feeling of loss was overwhelming at times. The feeling of loneliness and isolation crept over me at times even though I was surrounded by family and friends. I felt I couldn’t confide in anyone about what was happening. I somehow felt ashamed with myself, which I know is wrong. I’m not a person who can share thoughts and feelings often and find it difficult. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel and as time passed the more upset I found myself.

Just the simple things would remind me about what could have been, but over time I realised it was nature’s way of telling me that it wasn’t my time. During this time I was applying for a new position at work. I wasn’t sure if this was the right time for this but it helped to give me something to focus on and life does go on!

Over a year later I found myself pregnant again. I was angry at myself and if I’m honest I struggled with the thought of being pregnant (I guess in denial) and struggled with the thought of being excited and wanting the baby with what had happened the last time. I was overwhelmed by nerves.

It was a while before I could accept that I was pregnant, but this time felt I needed to share the news, to have support (if needed) as I made decisions. I shared the news with a close friend and I felt a little relieved to have shared my news. I started to feel excited and planned the next steps.

My fears came to life and unfortunately I miscarried. My practical self took over and followed the process through, getting on with the day to day. This time it was different, I was slightly further along this time and it wasn’t a smooth process, it was painful and prolonged.

Once everything had settled I allowed myself to grieve a little. Lots of thoughts of ‘Why me?’, ‘What have I done wrong this time?’ and ‘Could I have done something different?’ But I knew it wasn’t meant to be and carried on with life, but it took me a while to reach that feeling and thought.

As time has gone by and life has carried on with lots of ups and downs, it has become less painful and is not on my mind so often.

I have recently learnt that having children naturally is no longer an option for me. I can only have a baby with the help of IVF and that is never guaranteed. It’s a hard concept to wrap my mind around, the thought of possibly never having children, and I’m just trying to work out how I feel.

A close friend gave me some comforting words ‘You probably feel like you are making an active decision to cut off that option. But in reality you just have more info about what is likely and what is less likely’. They also gave me some direction towards a verse in the Bible “…for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, plans for a future and a hope.” It has made me think about what has happened in a slightly different light.

I don’t know what my future holds when it comes to children, but a future of possibilities and other things awaits. I’m going to embrace it and see what happens.