Emma shares her experience of coping with loss after having 5 miscarriages in between having her 3 children.
I think people expect you to forget baby loss if you go on to a have a much longed for family.
Back in 2009, my son was born, after a straightforward, easy conception and pregnancy. 9 months later, we decided to try again.
Then at around 6 weeks pregnant I was sitting at a friend’s house and started to bleed, I remember it very clearly. I had no idea what to do. I went to hospital where I was told I couldn’t be scanned as the scanners were closed at the weekend and that I should just go home where I may or may not miscarry. I had no idea what would happen or how I would feel, and I felt incredibly alone. I did miscarry. On reading the statistic that 1 in 4 pregnancies are not viable I put this down to bad luck.
Unfortunately, I went on to miscarry three more times with no explanation other than bad luck. I decided to pay and go to a clinic. After identifying that I had a high level of natural killer cells they threw a whole load of drugs at me.
I was lucky enough to then have my second son. I went on to have another miscarriage, and then we had our daughter.
I would like to try and explain how that horrific period of my life changed my life. I think people expect you to forget baby loss if you go on to a have a much longed for family. I still find it odd when I have to fill out a medical form, stating that I have 3 children, while writing that my number of pregnancies is 8.
For over a year, when I was miscarrying, I was always working towards getting pregnant and keeping the baby. I had a permanent focus, and after having my gorgeous children, I seemed to lose that focus. There was no end goal in sight anymore and I felt in limbo.
For someone who likes to plan everything, I had to learn how to take each day at a time during my pregnancies. Even when pregnant after my fourth miscarriage and having had a positive scan at 10 weeks, I was told, “your baby is viable for now“. It was so difficult not being able to get excited or plan ahead. I planned each day around when I would next be injecting clexane or taking progesterone or steroids, and would frequently go to the toilet to ‘check’ I was not miscarrying.
My husband tells me I am a control freak. I like to think I am just incredibly organised, but I am well aware that this has been exacerbated by losing control when I was miscarrying, with no answers or quick solutions.
I am one of the lucky ones who has been able to have a family, and whilst I no longer think too much about my lost babies, I worry for my daughter in the future and whether my ‘bad luck’ could be hereditary.
Baby loss is a lonely place to be, and it is so hard to understand unless you are one of the unlucky ones who has had to go through it.
Thankfully, a lot more research has been done since my miscarriages, and hopefully this will continue to help more women going forward.
To anyone going through baby loss at the moment, I am so sorry for your loss. Please talk to people about it, take some time for yourself and remember nothing is your fault.