Emma shares her story of an ectopic pregnancy, a missed miscarriage and pregnancy after loss.
I remember just sobbing on the bed in the hospital room, questioning 'why me again?!'.
My husband Dan and I have been together for 11 years this year (2021). A family is something we always spoke of and planned to start one day. We bought our house, years later got married, then the time came for us to start trying to conceive.
In January 2019 we started our journey, but didn’t have any luck for the first 6 months. I was putting so much pressure on us, checking peak ovulation each month and taking the fun away from trying. In June 2019 I only tracked my monthly cycle.
The following month, in July 2019, we found out we were expecting. All our dreams had come true and we would be parents in the coming months. No one expected the pregnancy to take the turn it did.
I started to get a pain in my shoulder and bleeding at around 4 weeks. I went to the Early Pregnancy Unit and had bloods taken. There was cause for concern and I was back and forth having blood tests and ultrasounds.
We found out at 6 weeks and 6 days that baby was growing in my tube – our first pregnancy was ectopic, I became one of the 1 in 8. I was lucky to keep my tube where baby had been growing, but we couldn’t try again for three months. I didn’t mind as it gave us time to process our emotions and allowed us to grieve.
In November 2019 we started trying again and fell pregnant straight away, within the month. I knew I was at a higher risk of having another ectopic so I was very anxious. I didn’t have any pains like before, but I did have some bleeding. I had blood tests and early weekly scans, so hearing baby was growing in the right place, knowing that it wasn’t another ectopic, was such a relief.
My blood test levels weren’t rising as expected so I had to be monitored. I remember going for a scan at 9 weeks and that morning I went to the loo at the hospital to find I had bled a little. I had my ultrasound and was told for a second time, in the same room, “Emma I’m sorry this pregnancy won’t continue”. I’d had a missed miscarriage. I remember just sobbing on the bed in the hospital room, questioning ‘why me again?!’. I went for the D&C operation and I can’t fault the nurses, they were amazing.
Their was no need to delay trying again as I wasn’t on any medication like the first time, but we said we would wait a few months, to give ourselves time to process another loss.
I remember it being March 2020, Covid was at its peak and I cried as I was nervous about the world we were living in. Later that day I took my Dad his shopping as he was isolating… Later that evening my world crumbled and my heart shattered over and over and over again. My Dad had unexpectedly passed away (not from Covid). I was beyond confused as I had only just seen him, and I was utterly heartbroken.
One of the last proper conversations I had with my Dad was about me losing the second baby. He had wrapped me in his arms and told me he would make it happen. I left his house and cried as it was so powerful. Looking back, it was goodbye.
In July, after having spent time together as a couple and allowing me / us to grieve the loss of my Dad, we decided to start trying again.
We somehow fell pregnant instantly again. I knew from symptoms and pains in my tube and panicked it was another ectopic. I remember taking the test in the bathroom at 3 weeks and running through shouting to Dan! The time before, I recorded Dan’s reaction and on the radio there was a song playing. It breaks my heart every time I hear the song now as it reminds me of the babies we lost.
We went to a different hospital this time as I wanted a fresh start. It was mid-pandemic and I went for a scan on my own at the hospital. I was told the sac was there, ‘just waiting to see baby’. We booked a private scan at 5 weeks and 6 days where Dan was allowed to be with me, and we found out together that baby had a heartbeat! We could see it on the screen, the most magical moment of our lives.
Pregnancy after loss is such an anxious, worrying time. Each milestone was huge…. 6 weeks and 6 days, 9 weeks – the times we lost before felt a huge achievement to hit with a healthy pregnancy.
I’m writing this while 32 weeks pregnant with our miracle baby. It’s so hard to see past the mist when you’re heartbroken, but we’ve never given up hope. Love, hope and strength sent to anyone who needs it.