The third time round I didn’t feel happy or excited. I had bad anxiety and bouts of depression that came and went. I couldn’t smile, I was crying a lot.
In February 2019 we found out we were expecting our first baby after only trying for 2 months. We were so excited and over the moon, but sadly that pregnancy ended at 6 weeks. It happened naturally on its own. I had a heavy bleed with no pain, which was almost like a heavy period, and I didn’t have to go to hospital.
We were saddened, but wanted to start trying again straight away. So we did and we fell pregnant very soon after. Again we were very happy, but nervous and anxious in case we miscarried again.
In this second pregnancy I had complications throughout. I was bleeding all the way through and my waters broke early, which they confirmed was due to me having an infection. I was in and out of hospital having tests, scans etc. We were told the risks of continuing with the pregnancy and what was likely to happen over the next few weeks. So we went home to wait and see what would happen.
A few days later I woke up in the morning, went to the loo and saw the baby’s umbilical cord hanging out of my vagina (cord prolapse). We went straight to the hospital who confirmed the baby had passed away. I was induced and had to give birth, I was 17 weeks + 5 days.
We were devastated and heartbroken and I cried for weeks and weeks. The baby was cremated and we had a little funeral, which was also harder than anything I’d ever experienced.
But we still didn’t want to give up on our hopes of being parents. So we decided to try again for our third baby and I was again pregnant very quickly.
The third time round I didn’t feel happy or excited. I had bad anxiety and bouts of depression that came and went. I couldn’t smile, I was crying a lot and I confided in my mother telling her I didn’t think I wanted this baby. She told me it was natural and normal to feel like that after going through what I’d previously gone through and that as my pregnancy progressed I would start feeling better – and she was right.
We had fortnightly scans and tests to check on things and things seemed to be going well. However, a routine scan at 14 weeks showed there wasn’t much amniotic fluid and that they couldn’t see baby’s bladder, so I was referred to another hospital for a more in depth scan.
We went to the hospital at 16 weeks and were told that baby had bad kidneys, fluid around the heart and lungs and it was very likely baby wouldn’t survive once born. But we were also told to wait until I was 20 weeks and see if by miracle anything progressed.
We got to 20 weeks and I had felt baby move and kick so we were positive things were looking up. But once at the scan we were told again it wasn’t looking good, baby was just too poorly. So we made the decision that baby had to come out. I had the first tablet and then went back to hospital 48 hours later where I was induced and gave birth again to our third baby.
This time round has been ten times more hard for me. I am an emotional, sad, irritable wreck and it never seems to be getting any easier, just more manageable.
I don’t know what the future holds for us, but it is motivation for me when I read other people’s positive stories about recurring miscarriages and then going on to have a healthy baby. It keeps me going and I try to be positive about the future. We want to try again and don’t want to ever give up on our dreams of being parents. Yes it’s one hell of a journey, it’s emotional, stressful and frustrating, but I’ve learnt that god only gives us what he knows we can handle. He has something good lined up for us, but is waiting for the right time.
Sending baby dust to anyone out there who is going through something similar and to myself and my partner.