I honestly didn’t even know miscarriages could happen like that. I’d had no bleeding, no pain.
Getting pregnant was always something I assumed would be easy and being a mum was something I had longed for since being young. So when we started trying for our first child and it hadn’t happened after a few months, or even a year, I was scared. Fast forward after a fertility specialist referral, two and a half years of trying and a very early miscarriage, we had our first child.
We decided to try for our second baby when our son was around 10 months. I thought it would take us ages like before, but I did a test on December 20th, a month after coming off the pill, and the line was positive!! I was nervous after a post partum haemorrhage with my first, but excited. We told our parents in a special and planned way and it was so exciting.
I’d had a bit of bleeding which was concerning as it was quite often, and I was referred to the early pregnancy unit. After two scans, a week apart, they were unsure if I was carrying a twin or it was just a small bleed, but either way it had reduced and they discharged me.
We went off for our 12 week scan and I was praying everything was still ok after a little bit more bleeding. Luckily, everything was perfect!! We took our perfect scan photos home and on Valentine’s Day announced it to the world! I couldn’t believe we were going to be parents again and I finally felt I could get excited and relax a little. I told my friend who was 4 weeks behind me and we began talking about our pregnancies.
Two weeks later, I’d kissed my husband goodbye and off he went for his night shift. I was running my son’s bath when I went to the toilet and could feel and see something coming down from my front. I panicked big time. Rang maternity and was told to go to A&E and was wished ‘all the best’ by the midwife on the phone. I couldn’t help but feel she knew I’d lost the baby then.
After a wait in A&E and an internal examination, the doctor uttered the words ‘you’ve had a miscarriage’ and mine and my husband’s hearts were broken. Luckily the maternity ward was quiet and we were able to go over there. I was taken past the room I was assessed in for my first baby and straight to the room me and my husband said we never wanted to be in, the ‘bereavement room’.
The midwife I was with was great at such an awful time. I gave birth to our little girl at 1:06am and after a horrible placenta removal, was asked to stay in for two hours due to my previous PPH. We sat with our baby and then left. I’d been awake nearly 24 hours and was emotionally and physically exhausted. I’d given birth with no contractions, my waters having to be broken and going against what I felt my body was telling me.
I honestly didn’t even know miscarriages could happen like that. I’d had no bleeding, no pain. I’d even taken a bump photo the day before and was so excited that I was out of the first trimester. Surely that counted for something? I was angry that our baby was deemed a ‘miscarriage’. It just seems like such an awful word. I just kept thinking, ‘why us?’.
‘You can try again’, ‘you’re still young’, ‘it wasn’t meant to be’, ‘everything happens for a reason’ were all terms we heard over the coming weeks and they were terms I hated. We wanted THAT baby, we don’t want to just ‘try again’, if only it were that easy. Yes we are ‘young’, but for us, we wanted our babies close together. Although we heard these terms, we also had a good support network and our hospital were amazing! They organised our daughter’s funeral and we said goodbye and buried her on 30.03.20.
Nevaeh Harris – you were carried for a moment but will be loved for a lifetime.