Donna shares how the experience of 3 miscarriages affected her during her following pregnancies.
Everyone was so excited and happy but I had to fake it.
I had three miscarriages before my first successful pregnancy and I think this was the hardest pregnancy.
When I found out, I wasn’t excited. I just assumed I would miscarry again. There was almost a feeling of dread which made me feel so guilty and if I’m honest, still does.
I paid for a number of private scans throughout the whole pregnancy because I was just convinced something would go wrong. When we got past 20 weeks and started telling people, everyone was so excited and happy but I had to fake it, which again, made me feel awful.
I had allowed myself to get excited before only to lose the baby and I couldn’t allow that to happen again so I shut off emotionally. It was almost like I had PTSD and I just kept thinking about everything that could go wrong rather than this beautiful life I was bringing into the world.
In all honesty, I dealt with this on my own. I didn’t know what support was out there and I thought that because my miscarriages were all pre 12 weeks, people would be dismissive of them so I went through this on my own.
It has been nearly 3 years and 2 babies since my last miscarriage and I still feel so sad that it happened and so guilty that I couldn’t enjoy my pregnancies and I don’t think I will ever forget or “get over” what happened.
I retrospectively found out about the Miscarriage Association and this has been able to offer added support to friends I know who have gone through pregnancy loss, especially the helpline. I really wish I had known about the M.A. because knowing that other people felt the same way and that there are people I could talk to, would have been invaluable.