Cristina shares her story of the four losses she experienced.
Not only had we lost another baby, I was slowly starting to lose a piece of me and my feelings with each time.
July 2021 – positive pregnancy test. We had been trying for three months and the excitement was thrilling. I wanted to tell everyone. We were a bit lost for words. This is it, we have done it and now, the exciting time’s to come.
Unfortunately, it was short lived. In the next couple of days I bled and bled and knew the outcome. The excitement was short lived, but the anticipation for the future and planning for our baby was there forever and had taken us already. We were shocked and upset but so positive. We knew miscarriages were common so we prayed and thought, that’s it – we have hit the statistic, now let’s look ahead.
August 2021 – positive pregnancy test. Wow, when they say it only takes once it really does. I hadn’t been testing for ovulation or anything and we had become pregnant within a month of our last loss. It felt so good to know that we had been this lucky.
Over the next couple of days I bled and bled. “This is starting to feel like déjà-vu”, I kept saying, trying to laugh it off. In all honesty, I didn’t feel anything. I went to a wedding, I went to a hen do, and I was just happy. I was trying so hard to not let myself be upset, my brain believed I wasn’t. Not only had we lost another baby, I was slowly starting to lose a piece of me and my feelings with each time.
January 2022 – positive pregnancy test. I had a very small period and felt different. Sometimes people say “I just knew”, and I did at this point too. I took a test and yes – positive! I was over the moon. We had taken a break after our second so this felt like a long wait!
Over the next couple of days I bled. Was this really happening again? How can we be losing babies continuously, what happened to one in four? I still felt numb. As with the other times, I went straight back to work. If I continued to work, maybe I would distract myself. However, it was getting harder each time. No matter how many times you try and tell yourself otherwise, it hurts. You lose a baby but you also lose that future you had planned. You start to get to all those milestones – “I should have been on maternity leave now”, “this would have been their due-month”, “we would have been having their first Christmas”. It doesn’t get easier and the hope gets less and the grief grows.
August 2022 – positive pregnancy test. This felt like a long slog! We had had tests and private consultations with no answers. However, we had progesterone supplements, hoorah! So I started taking them, then onto each hurdle. Each day, checking for blood continuously. Testing religiously. 4 weeks all fine. 5 weeks all fine. 6 weeks early scan and unclear results, but that’s ok. 8 weeks early scan and a heartbeat, wow. I’ve never felt any joy like it, our baby and their heartbeat. It felt real and I was allowing myself to get excited as we cleared those hurdles.
9 weeks scan confirmed no fetal heartbeat. We couldn’t believe it. But there was a heartbeat last week, I hadn’t bled, I had done everything right, I could see a baby on the scan. It just didn’t add up. The hurt, the pain, it was so much harder. Being asked “what do you want to do next?”, when all I wanted to do was go home and cry. Cry for our baby and cry for our future together. But we couldn’t do that. We had to have medical management, twice.
The hurt from the fourth miscarriage hasn’t passed and I don’t think it will. It’s so hard to see the positive potentials after the constant excitement. However, we have to. But it’s also ok if you can’t.
The one thing that has helped me is talking about everything to anyone that will listen. Everyone’s stories are all different and yet we are all the same. It’s lovely hearing and seeing the successes but it’s also helpful to read and listen to the people yet to get their chance, we are all in the same boat.