Caroline talks about experiencing a miscarriage during lockdown, just days before her 12 week scan appointment. If you're looking for more information about the impact of coronavirus on your care please have a look at the link at the bottom of this page.
Nothing can prepare you for the pain and grief you feel, having lost something, or should I say someone, you never really knew.
Our plan was to get married and start trying for a baby straight away, after all I was 32 and knew all to well how difficult getting/staying pregnant can be after seeing friends and family go through it. I feel stupid though for not knowing better that well made plans don’t always work out.
Three weeks before our big day, the UK went into lockdown and our wedding and honeymoon was cancelled. We were so disappointed, but more so as this meant we might have to wait another year to get married and start trying. Taking matters into our own hands and being the superstitious person I am, I said to my fiance, ‘well let’s try, just on what would have been our wedding day and maybe that day will be remembered for something positive instead’.
Well it worked and to our surprise we were pregnant. I had no morning sickness and very few symptoms, but the midwife reassured me that can be normal. I always had it in the back of my mind that I could miscarry, but the longer it went on the more I spoke about babies and thought about our baby.
Three days before the 12 week scan I woke up bleeding and having cramps and was booked into a doctor’s appointment. The pregnancy test came back positive, but I just knew I was miscarrying.
When I arrived at the EPU the following day for a scan the nurse asked me if I’d done the urine sample as requested and I explained I couldn’t because there was so much blood and just burst into tears in the middle of reception. I sat in a waiting room on my own and felt so incredibly lonely as I wasn’t allowed my fiance with me due to coronavirus restrictions.
The doctor doing the scan confirmed the miscarriage in a straightforward manner and said she couldn’t see any sign of a baby. Hearing that, it felt like the baby never existed and I’d made the whole thing up in my mind.
After getting dressed, the doctor came into the room and found me trying to clear all the blood off the examination chair and floor and I found myself embarrassed and apologising. The nurse was amazing and went through everything with me and then I went home to continue the process of dispelling what was left of my pregnancy with the support of my fiance. However, I’ll be going back to hospital for another blood test in 48 hours to confirm I’m no longer pregnant.
While I lie in bed, I think. I trust my body is doing what is right, however nothing can prepare you for the pain and grief you feel, having lost something, or should I say someone, you never really knew.