Back to back loss

Anna shares her story of miscarriage at 12 weeks followed by the loss of her daughter, Blossom, at 18 weeks.

We wept and said goodbye, it was the hardest goodbye I’ve ever said.

I had a miscarriage in December 2020 at 12 weeks, after using our only remaining embryo from an IVF cycle that we had to get our daughter Bronte. We decided after that, that it was the end of the road regarding our fertility journey.

I then fell pregnant naturally the month after. This was a total shock after 8 years of trying to conceive. Of course we were delighted but I was terrified of miscarrying again.

The weeks passed and I felt dreadful with morning sickness, which kind of gave me comfort. Our 12 week scan arrived and I was petrified of hearing those dreaded words like just a few months before. To our delight our baby was wriggling away with a strong, healthy heartbeat. I was so relieved and happy that we’d reached this milestone.

We decided to have a private test to check for any chromosome abnormalities. That came back low risk for all of them and also told us we were having a girl. I was on cloud nine, so happy that everything was finally going to be ok.

The weeks carried on passing by and I was looking forward to our 20 week scan. I had a prominent bump and people were noticing that I was visibly pregnant. My 4 year old would hug my bump and talk to her baby sister.

The dreaded morning arrived where I went to the loo and saw brown on the tissue. I immediately had that sinking feeling and thought ‘no, this cannot be happening again’. I told my husband but played it down as I didn’t want to panic him.

I was 18+3 so called my maternity assessment unit. They told me it was very common and that brown blood was not concerning. I just couldn’t settle though and so called them back and insisted I came in to be checked over.

The student midwife took me into a bay and tried to listen to the heartbeat with a Doppler. She couldn’t find it and so asked the senior midwife to have a go. It was then that I knew we’d lost her.

I was taken into a side room with a scanning machine and a doctor came in to scan me. My husband wasn’t with me as I’d been told to attend alone due to Covid. It was then that I heard the dreaded words once again… “I’m sorry but there’s no heartbeat”.

My world crumbled and I just wailed. I couldn’t believe this had happened to me again. It then hit me that I was actually going to have to give birth to her.

We were taken to the delivery suite and went to the bottom of the ward where there was a private bereavement suite. It was lovely but I just broke down again knowing what was going to happen in there.

I was actually quite calm during my delivery as I knew what I had to do. My husband was in bits and I had to comfort him.

After I had delivered her we decided that we’d like to see her. She was so small but perfectly formed. We could see every detail on her tiny body. We wept and said goodbye, it was the hardest goodbye I’ve ever said.

We named our baby girl Blossom. She was born sleeping 20.5.21. Each year when the blossom comes it will remind us of our girl.

So here I am a week later and I feel empty, sad, angry all at the same time. I wonder when I’ll ever feel joy or happiness again. I’m so grateful for what we already have but feel terribly sad for our loss.

Our other children are 10 and 4 so the days when they are at school/nursery are very long. I feel ok when they are around but so low when they aren’t. I had a call from the bereavement office today about the funeral and that set me off weeping for the rest of the afternoon.

I hope in time we’ll begin to heal from this tragedy.

Thank you for reading.