Pania – my feelings after miscarriage
Pania shares her feelings after experiencing a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks.
'Brave' lives in your head and gives you daily pep talks to let you know you are strong and you will get through this.
My Black Hole…
- Disbelief is your imagination that was living around 9 months in the future.
- Panic is your frantic web searches to try and figure out what, who, when, how and why me.
- Vulnerable is your heart that feels crushed by reality and wants to hide away for a little while.
- Loneliness is staring at your pitch black ceiling at 3am that consumes you and reminds you of the black hole you saw on screen.
- Shocked is the realisation that it’s not over yet, the black hole needs to come out.
- Anger is your piercing eyes that hold so much pain you want to blame anyone who looks at you.
- Torture is the ache in the pit of your stomach when a pregnant woman passes you by or you see a newborn baby that you longed for so much.
- Numb is the fake smile you give to brush off the well-meaning, but not so helpful, advice from your loving friends and family, when all you really want is for them to lend an ear.
- Guilt is the sick days from work and cancelled plans with friends, who don’t know the whole story so you suffer in silence.
- Fear is the anxiety running around in your head that dreads the thought of ever having to experience this all over again.
- Surrender is your tears that flow with no control.
- Acceptance is knowing your partner is grieving too in their own, quiet way, and that’s OK.
- Appreciation is for the hugs, messages and caring support from those closest to you.
- Comfort is time, which is your friend who will sit with you, listen to you and make you feel lighter as your friendship grows.
- Softness has a special place in your heart for women who have experienced the same pain and make you more sensitive, kind and understanding.
- Brave lives in your head and gives you daily pep talks to let you know you are strong and you will get through this.
- Relieved is the friendly nurse’s face when you wake up from your surgery and get the all OK.
- Hope is your inner being, deep inside your gut, that knows everything is always working out for you and gently makes you willing to try again.
- Proud is your number one fan – YOURSELF, who looks back and says “wow, look how far I’ve come”.