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Love and loss

Zoe shares her joy, thoughts and dreams when her pregnancy is confirmed and how these feelings change when she then miscarries.

He’s gone. And with the baby, everything is gone. You plans, your dreams, your visions of him. Your hope. Nothing left to hold on to. All you have got is this emptiness.

There’s nothing like this. The moment when you know it for sure. You imagine him, you know he’s growing inside you, you can feel him. Your baby.

You imagine him, the moment when he’s born, when you first see him. You imagine how it feels to hold him, and when he holds your hand. You imagine his first Christmas, his first steps, his first words, the first time when he says ‘mum’. His first day at school. You’re sure he will be good at science and even better at sports. You’re proud. He’s smaller than a pea, but you’re so proud of him. For being, for existing, for being so perfect. You imagine him on the sofa, playing with his daddy and this feeling warms your heart. The true loves of your life, the most important persons together.

You can live all this, see all these things in that split second when you see those two lines. The best feeling in the world, knowing that you created something amazingly, truly magical and beautiful.

And then suddenly it’s all over. It all ends. In that first drop of blood. You know something is wrong, you know because you’re his mum. You’re in pain but it doesn’t matter, you would take any pain just to save him. But the sad thing is that it doesn’t matter how much pain you go through, how hard you want it, that you would give anything for him, to bring him back… He’s gone. And with the baby, everything is gone. You plans, your dreams, your visions of him. Your hope. Nothing left to hold on to. All you have got is this emptiness. The worst feeling in the world. Along with the hopelessness and grief and the fact that you cannot do anything to make it right.

This is how you turn from to the happiest woman in the world to the saddest. This is something you will never forget, and your little angel is someone who will always be in your heart.

I know he’s in Heaven, and I’m sure he know how much his mummy and daddy loves him. Because I do, I love you so much, little angel!

Zoe

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