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Letter to my pregnant best friend

San talks about her feelings around being pregnant again after a miscarriage, compared to the experience of her best friend who's also pregnant.

I want to get excited with you about both our pregnancies. Our due dates are so close. But I cannot bring myself to picture what this year will look like because I’m so scared everything will fall apart at a moment's notice.

I’m jealous that you’ve already told everyone that you’re pregnant. To me, it means that you have joyful news to share and, while I can’t read your mind, you don’t seem scared or anxious.

You’ve planned ahead, you know when your baby will meet their grandparents, you’ve talked about your holidays during maternity leave. You seem so sure of yourself.

I’m jealous because I deserve to live like that too, but I’m just so scared of what might happen.

You’ve been able to celebrate and get excited with your loved ones. I want that so much, but I’m not ready for it.

I want to get excited with you about both our pregnancies. Our due dates are so close. But I cannot bring myself to picture what this year will look like because I’m so scared everything will fall apart at a moment’s notice.

Last time, I had jokes planned, imagined events and pictured photos that I’d take with my fellow pregnant friends. I don’t want that to be taken away from me, so it seems that I’ve not let that become an option yet.

I know that I’m not alone in how I’m feeling. This is common for someone going through pregnancy after loss.

It’s common to check for blood every time I go to the loo. It’s common to try to anticipate how I might cope if I have another loss. It’s common to feel like my body might be unknowingly deceiving me. It’s common to catastrophise about the various ways I could lose my baby.

It’s all so common and normal, but it’s horrible and I don’t want to feel like this.

In my mind, if I get to the 12 week scan, I feel like I’ll be ok. This fear will just disappear. But I also know that change won’t happen overnight. It’ll take time to adjust. It’ll take me time to believe that we might just get to meet our baby.

So until I start to believe it, I breathe in strength and breathe out trust in my body.
I try to remember that in this moment, everything is ok and that I am pregnant.
I bring to my mind that I am safe and I am loved.
I remind myself that my body knows what to do.
I give myself permission to be gentle and still with myself.