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Jade’s story

Jade was just coming to terms with her miscarriage when she found out it was a molar pregnancy.

There is not is not a single day that goes by where I don’t think about it and it has impacted me so much. All you can think about is what could have been and how different my life would have been.

When I first found out I was pregnant it was a big shock to me and to everyone else, including my boyfriend. The pregnancy wasn’t planned. I’ve always wanted children from a very young age and it is something I planned for the future when the times right. On the other hand my boyfriend at the time had not really thought about having children and it was not something he wanted. He therefore didn’t want me to have the baby.

As time went on and I got used to the idea and came to terms with what was happening, deep down I was excited. This is what I wanted and I knew that my boyfriend would come around to the idea in the end and once he saw his flesh and blood for the first time he would feel love like no other. I had things planned in my head: what it would be like, what would I call him or her, all the regular things every mum-to-be plans and thinks of. But I kept the excitement and plans to myself as a lot of stress was going on at the same time between me and my boyfriend as he was scared and really didn’t want this baby.

The 12 week scan

On the day of the 12 week scan, I remember that morning looking at scan pictures and videos online and just imagining what that was like.  I was so excited to see my baby for the first time on the screen. How wrong was I.  I remember laying on the bed and looking up at the screen thinking ‘that’s not what I was seeing this morning’.  I was asked if my dates were correct as I was only showing as 6 weeks, but I knew my dates were correct. I was sent away and told to come back for another scan the next week to see if they were any changes. From that moment I knew my baby was gone. I was so upset yet couldn’t believe it.

Three days in hospital

From that day the nightmare just began. I started to bleed and then gradually it got heavier, so I went to the hospital and had to stay in overnight. The next morning I was sent home, but later that day the bleeding came even heavier so I got sent back to hospital.

During the time I was in hospital I had multiple scans and was prodded and poked a lot, it was just horrible. I was then given options of how I was going to miscarry. I chose to have the medical treatment first but this didn’t work so in the end I had the surgical treatment to get the remaining tissue out. I was told that the tissue would be tested and would be sent to the chapel in the hospital. It would be cremated but I could not attend.

Overall I was in hospital for a very long and draining 3 days. I only expected to be in and out of hospital and that it wouldn’t be so painful physically. I was sent home to carry on as normal, whatever normal is.

A molar pregnancy

I was trying to come to terms with what happened and I thought it was all over, but a couple of months after the miscarriage, I had a phone call from the hospital. They told me that the tests done on the tissue showed I had a molar pregnancy and they wanted me to come in and talk about it and that it was nothing to worry about.

That’s all I was told, but in fact I did worry – I had never heard of it in my life. I broke down in tears, my initial thought was I would never be able to have children and that was the worst feeling ever. I then searched it on the internet and saw things about chemotherapy and was just so scared.

I went to the hospital a few days later and they told me I had a partial molar pregnancy and told me what is was and what was involved etc. Luckily I already had the surgery, so that the tissue wouldn’t spread to other parts of the body but for months after I had to have regular tests taken to ensure that my hormone levels were normal. I just felt like it was never-ending.

I feel lucky that my molar pregnancy didn’t end up being worse. I didn’t have to have the chemotherapy that I was reading about on the internet and it really wasn’t as bad as I thought. All these thoughts in my head were all down to the lack of knowledge and the fact that I had never even heard of it (as it is so rare) and maybe reading on the internet and bombarding myself with all this information just made it worse.

I think this could have been handled much better that in a phone call.  Many people do not know what a molar pregnancy is and being told you have had a molar pregnancy but not explaining even just briefly what this is can be very worrying. When they did tell me it did reassure me, but the days I didn’t know what was happening were torture.

There is not is not a single day that goes by where I don’t think about it and it has impacted me so much. All you can think about is what could have been and how different my life would have been. But the fact that it was a molar pregnancy has been hard to deal with as all I can think is how can I feel this way, love something that wasn’t really there. But on the other hand I think there was a baby there and I did have the morning sickness etc. that comes with being pregnant, so why did this happen, how is it even possible?

My advice to anyone who is pregnant is to treasure each and every second and just enjoy it and don’t let anyone or anything or stress get in the way during the time you have with your baby and the time you have being pregnant. This is my number one regret from the whole thing that I couldn’t enjoy the time I had being pregnant due to all the stress.

Moving on and raising awareness

Moving on from having a miscarriage or molar pregnancy is very hard for anyone and is something that will always be with you for the rest of your life.

Support from my family has helped me through and I am very lucky to have them as I know many people do not get the support I had. Also a massive factor in helping me to come to terms with what happened is raising awareness and helping others. Since having my miscarriage/molar pregnancy I want to help others who have suffered the loss of a baby in any way.

I have done a few things such as creating a video for baby loss awareness week 2015 which I got other people involved in by sharing their experiences. Not only did the video raise awareness it helped other people share their experiences and talk about their loss. I also created a video about remembering our babies and again getting people involved by sharing pictures and things they have done to remember their baby. The response from other people was amazing and very satisfying that I can help others in similar situations.

By sharing my story and experiences with others and helping other to share theirs has really helped me and hopefully helped others. Without doing this I probably would have found it harder to deal with as talking about my feelings is not something I am usually good at doing.

Jade