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I had a missed miscarriage at 7 weeks

Holly-mae (18) writes about her miscarriage and how she is coping with feelings of guilt and loss.

Everyone says they understand. But as much as they seem to think they do they don’t not really. Until it’s happened to you, you can never really understand fully.

I have good days and bad days

I get my good days and my bad days. On a good day I may only think about it a couple of times. On a bad day I could just cry from start to finish. It’s like time has stopped for me but is carrying on for everyone else. It’s been just over 3 months and it doesn’t get any easier like everyone said it would.

Yes of course the initial pain I felt when I found out is incomparable but the thoughts of the future and everything I planned and put so much into in a short space of time has been taken away just like that?

I found out at an emergency scan

I knew straight away something was wrong when I went in for an emergency scan at 11 weeks.  When I looked at the screen it was tiny and I just remember saying ‘there’s nothing in there is there’ and her face confirmed what I needed to know. My whole future had passed away at around 7 weeks. I think I knew deep down for a few weeks something was wrong I just didn’t ‘feel pregnant’.

My partner blamed me

I was in a very volatile relationship and a day after I found out I miscarried my partner left me to deal with it on my own and blamed me. I believed it was my fault at the time. Looking back now I can’t help thinking that was guilt talking on his part.

You can only really understand if it has happened to you

Everyone says they understand. But as much as they seem to think they do they don’t not really. Until it’s happened to you, you can never really understand fully. It literally feels like someone has gone up to a homeless person offered a billion pound check and ripped it up in their face.

Many people said I had a ‘lucky escape’ but it was no consolation for losing something you loved more than yourself. I just felt at 18 my body shouldn’t be doing this, what was wrong with me? And the guilt of knowing that everyone’s exciting new roles of being a grandma, auntie etc. wouldn’t be fulfilled all down to my body’s actions.

You can’t dwell on feeling guilty because it will destroy you, I know there’s brighter times ahead and i’ve just got to hold onto that and I hope anyone in my situation or similar holds on to that hope too.

Holly-mae