Remembering/marking the loss

Many people who have lost a baby in pregnancy say that although they move on, they never entirely forget their loss.  Singer and actress Barbara Dickson put it like this:

For those of us who have undergone the trauma and complex feelings following miscarriage, a little of that pain remains in a corner of one's heart forever.

Some people find that it helps to do something special as a way of marking what has happened and recognising its importance.  They may plant bulbs, a shrub or a tree; light a candle on anniversaries or special days; make an entry for the baby in the hospital’s book of remembrance; write a poem; buy something as a reminder, such as a piece of jewellery.  Some M.A. members share their experiences below:

Creating mementos   

You might want to make a box of mementos, however small, such as a scan photo, if you have one, an appointment letter or hospital wrist band or something that you bought or made for the baby and would like to keep. If you have a later loss, this might include more tangible reminders, such as hand- and footprints or photographs.  Gillian, who miscarried at twelve weeks, wrote about her memory box:

I gathered together everything to do with our baby – the scan photo, my pregnancy journal, cards we’d received etc – to have a special ‘baby box’ to keep the happy memories in and to dip into when I feel strong enough.

Buying something special

Several people suggested buying something which serves as a special marker.  Julie wrote:

The way I remember the baby I lost eleven years ago is to buy a small teddy as near to the anniversary as I can and have them on my dressing table so that I always have a little something to remember the baby by. I also light a candle on the actual day.

Helen bought a plain ring like a wedding band to be worn on her right hand: 

The simplicity of the ring (I wear it all the time), the symbolism of love having no beginning and no end, is very meaningful. At first when I wore the ring I was very aware of it, with time it has become a part of me just as the baby was and is part of me. I have a sense of contentment with the choice I made.

Planting flowers, a shrub or tree

Another way of remembering a baby is to plant a tree or shrub, or as one member described, to make an area in the garden with a plaque and flowers, especially for the baby:

I sowed Viola “heartsease” seeds all on their own in a pot and when they flowered they were so small and perfect – a fitting reminder of my losses.

We planted a tree. This was something our young son could also be involved in. This keeps our baby’s memory alive and we hope to gain some pleasure from watching the berries and blossom appear. We now have a friendly robin that visits the tree daily and my son says it is taking our messages to our baby in heaven!

Acts of remembrance

More formal acts of remembrance also helped some parents to mark their loss; this could be a funeral service, participating in a national event such as Babyloss Awareness Week, sending a card for The M.A.’s annual “Lights of Love” tree, or something as simple as lighting a candle.

A more unusual act of remembrance came from Liz who wrote:

I made a decision to apply for one of The Miscarriage Association’s Marathon places.  I had run in the London Marathon twice before and felt that raising money would be a fitting way to honour my baby, whilst helping a charity which had taken on a special significance for me.

Another member also wrote in with her suggestion for remembering her baby boy lost at 22 weeks:

As a permanent marker that he was here, our family named a star in loving memory of him.  We have a lovely framed certificate with details of his star.  This makes us feel like he will never be forgotten and is lovely to think of him as a little star.

See www.international-star-registry.org

Stitching memories together: the Patchwork Project. In October 2008, The Miscarriage Association launched a year-long project to create a large patchwork wall-hanging in memory of babies lost in pregnancy.  If you would you like to contribute a piece, please read more about it.

 

Visitors to our website can also add a message to our forget-me-not meadow or create a star on our Winter Lights of Love tree.