Poems on loss
Have Faith….
“Wait a while and then try again”, they said…
***
“Lightning won’t strike twice will it…?!”, I said.
“What will be, will be”, he said.
“Have faith”, she said.
“Any news…?” friends said.
***
“I’m scared”, I said.
“I know. Me too”, he said.
“Have faith” she said.
“Any news…?” friends said.
***
“I really think I’m pregnant again!”, I said.
“Let’s not get excited”, he said.
“I can’t bear the disappointment if I'm wrong again”, I said.
“I know. Me too”, he said.
“Any news…?” friends said.
***
“Congratulations, you’re pregnant!”, they said.
“Am I really…are you sure?”, I said.
“Rest, take it easy…and good luck”, they said.
“I really can’t believe it…I’m scared!”, I said.
“I know. Me too”, he said.
“Any news…?” friends said.
***
“Let’s not tell anyone this time”, we said.
“Please God let it be OK”, I said.
“I love you”, we said.
***
“There’s nothing you can do…”, they said.
“Please God, not again…?!”, I said.
“We’ll get through this, hold my hand”, he said.
***
“I’m terrified”, I said.
“I’m here”, he said.
“God give me strength”, I said.
“Oh no…not again…! Have faith”, she said.
“It’s very common”, they said.
***
“When will it end…?!”, I said.
“Be strong”, he said.
“How can I…my baby’s dead?!”, I said.
“We’ll get through this…”, he said.
“I’m not sure I can this time”, I said.
“You’re stronger than you think”, he said.
“I need a hug”, I said.
“Me too”, he said.
***
“It’s just one of those things”, they said.
“We’ll make it through”, he said.
“God help me please…!”, I said.
“Have faith. Be strong”, she said.
“You’re in our thoughts”, friends said.
***
“Wait a while and then try again”, they said…
********************************************************************
God bless our 2nd baby angel. You will be forever in our hearts along with your baby angel sister. Nite, nite, sleep tite.
Love mummy and daddy xx
For my twins who were so close to God, they chose to stay with Her
I knew you were coming
I felt you were there
I thought you were growing
Gave you so much care
Not knowing what happened
That you never grew
That you went silent
And that you were two
Now soon you will leave me
And three becomes one
Though only in body
Cause you’re already gone
I’ll love you forever
Like I loved you the day
That I felt you inside me
That love won’t go away
So wings will carry you
Back into the light
Where loved ones will hold you
Ever so tight
One day I’ll meet you
When my time has come
And my wings on their turn
Will carry me home
For Lydia
A time of secrecy
A time of wonder
A time of planning
A time of excitement
A time of anticipation of the upcoming birth
Then the bleed..........
What does it mean?
What can be said?
Who can explain?
Why she’s dead?
A time of fear
A time of uncertainty
A time to despair
A time to wonder, why me!
What does it mean?
What can be said?
Who can explain?
Why she’s dead?
A forthcoming scan
A time of truth
A time to reflect
A time to wonder
If this is meant to be
A time of fear
A time of uncertainty
A time to despair
A time to wonder, why me!
Please tell me it’ll be okay
Please say it’s normal
Please don’t make me wait
Please just be straight
A time to cry
A time to accept
A time to not blame
A time to despair
A time to be angry
A time to ask God
Why oh why was my baby dead?
Why such a void for one so young
Why so many tears for one just a blob
Why so much pain for such a lovely surprise
Why take her away, when parents agree
To love her just the way she’s meant to be
Denied her existence
Denied her much love
Denied her acceptance
For she’s not one of us
She’s gone to the Father
Ahead of her time
But God will love her and
Ensure she comes to no harm.
The angels adore her
For she is a delight
She smiles this huge smile
And makes everyone warm despite
My dear little daughter
I’m sorry for your plight
You were never born
But you’re still Father’s delight
Dreams
In dreams a baby new was born,
For us to love and shield from scorn,
Then suddenly by twist of fate,
Our maker calls you both must wait ,
For joy filled days and bluer skies ,
That at this moment god denies,
In our thoughts ,we both must hold our little ones heart and soul,
Eventually we,ll reach our goal and we will dream forever
Blessed
We never thought we,d have to face such pain as once before ,
And lose another little one we never could adore,
But god is good and we are strong, both Julie, Beth and me,
And if we,re touched just one more time the three of us will see,
A babe more beautiful than there could ever be,
To make us proud and fill our lives for all eternity,
We must look back and contemplate just how we stood the test ,
And always value what we have and thank god we,ve been blessed,
Written by Kevin Cullen and dedicated to the two children we never had the pleasure to meet but who will never be forgotten
Sleep Tight
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way we feel.
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried.
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of
But so hard to be without.
We now have to beautiful angels in heaven, so hard to have carried you both at different times for 3 months and then to lose you. You were so wanted. Our first lost would have been our first child, our second loss very recently would have been a much loved brother or sister for our precious little girl.
An Angel from the book of life wrote down both our babies’ birth,
And whispered as she closed the book "Too Beautiful for Earth"
God bless you both, sleep well and as your sister would say 'sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite' xxx
Empty baby
What sort of life
Is taken away
Without a word
Without a say
From a life unknown
Unsown to her side
Just left to slide
Into an unknown tomb
Ripped from the womb
That lies empty
Surrounded by plenty
Of long, happy lives
So we strive
To burn our hurt, our rage
Turn over another page
And move on from the grief
Spilt out from that brief
Elapse of time
But I don’t feel fine,
Or know how to remember
How to dismember
This event from my mind
And I yearn to find
A memory to create
And not abate
These feelings that I’ve left you alone
On your own
With no love surrounding you
No future to renew
No reality born
Just torn
From our empty lives
I’m so sorry (I will never forget you)
Three Months Later
Three months have past
And slipped through time
And left nothing sublime
Just hard edges
Closed off bridges
To another reality
Not the duality
Of this existence
This subsistence
Where we slumber through
Remain untrue
To the hopes and dreams
That burst at the seams
And left us forlorn
Scorned
Empty
Visions of plenty
Of love
From above
Left at the side
Left tied
To the date
To the fate
Of you
We now seek chances anew
In that room of hurt
Try to convert
Our hopes
And cope
With the not knowing
The not growing
That is possible every time
Every chime
Of the long-worn
Body clock, shorn
Of its sheen
But we are still keen
To seek a resolution
Absolution
Of our sins
And win
What we wish for
Have Yearned for
Over these barren years
Replacing the tears
Left by a hole,
Seared in our souls,
The size of you
Gareth
Welcome to the circle
Of the ladies in pain
Please all join hands
And tell us your name
The woman who fell for
A cheat and a liar
The lady whose son died
In an African mire
The friend broken-hearted
Whose partner took his life
The unlucky mistress
Unaware of a wife
And my place is here
At the heart of the ladies
My place is the newest
After losing four babies
So take a deep breath
For the ladies in pain
Holding hands in a circle
Pressing on, staying sane
I knew you as a child of mine
Residing in me for but a brief time
Now I’m empty of my love
For you have returned to the stars above
Mel
First my skirt, then my tummy,
Then the flab
Then the muscle
Then the womb
Then the amniotic sac
You're pretty safe in there, Jack.
Enfolded by liquids of life
Encased in a sack of security
Surrounded by muscles of motherhood
With fat for friendliness
Also known as my tummy
You are making me a mummy!
Promise of a person
Perfect parcel of potential and possibility
You tease your troubled parents
With the thought that it will be
All
or
Nothing
You are less than three weeks old my child
Formed from the meltings of mothering fusion.
Tiny potential of human wonder
Little bulb of DNA
Condensed in human softness.
Melting wonder of infant
Hope wars in me as you warm my womb
We wait together you and I
You to be made
And I to know if this wonder of growth,
This little infant bulb
Will blossom into a flower,
Or will the Spring become our autumn
and
November be a silent spring?
Rebecca
Goodbye My Little Angel
Loosing you has made me cry
And now it’s time to say goodbye
A tear for the life we nearly shared
I would have loved you without being scared
You touched my heart in ways unknown
A blessing from heaven you have truly shown
I will continue on my path once more
And heal those wounds that have been so sore
A tear I will cry for you each year
On your birthday when I feel you near
I’ll treasure the time we had together
And you can visit me whenever
Lisa Matthews – November 2008
The Womb
A place where parents meet and become one
Bonded together where two sperms have won
A place of transition, a place of natural change
A place where 69 chromosomes multiply and engage
A brain, a lung, a kidney, a bladder
A heart starts to beat, we thought we now had her
A place of devastation, a place of grief
A place where angels come I do believe
A place where special angels visit this world
Test out a body and find it all curled
A special pathway between heaven and earth
Sometimes leading to happiness and birth
A place where she was free to explore
I guess she liked nirvana much, much more
Touched by an angel, blessed by her existence
A halo circles her head, it’s pure and persistent
In the womb, I see heaven on earth
Shielded by a veil when our mother gives birth
Lisa Matthews - November 2008
To my special little angel, Bee
Your image pops into my mind
A tear fills in my eye and starts to unwind
I was a mother, even for a short time
Your life began, when your heart started, to beat with mine
I watched you wriggle, your arms and legs at our routine scan
And you filled my heart with joy, as much as anyone can
I didn’t realise how cruel scans could be
It wasn’t until your next, we learned you wanted to ‘just Bee’
Stillness, peace, harmony, too perfect for this world
Sadness, anger, grief, devastation, hurt, why?
You were born like a butterfly still wrapped in your cocoon
Mummy and daddy are hoping, praying, one day you will come back to us soon
We lost you to Triploidy, that’s what they say
You were so special and unique, in every way
Your time here was never meant to be long
20 precious weeks, then we had to try and be strong.
Bee, I think of you in our garden buzzing around all the flowers
Just buzzing from one to the other for hours and hours
Now you have grown your wings and gone back to heaven
You can play in your garden for an eternity, you can truly just Bee
Just Bee
Lisa Matthews - November 2008
To my child
From dark hours will come joy
I’ve wandered aimless as a dandelion scattered to the wind,
Watched helpless as the tides of emotion sweep across your Mother’s brow,
Seen rivers bathe her tired cheeks,
And wished I could have known you as she has,
I’ve listened to the platitudes and oh wells until I want to scream,
I’ve heard the stories of someone, someone else has known,
I’ve looked deep into their eyes
And cannot find you,
I see our child and see what might have been,
And hope,
I hope that we can find cheer in the good fortune we have,
I’ve felt like driving long and hard and fast,
I’ve felt like walking in the rain for days until I am sodden,
If I was a drinker I’d chain-smoke and sip whisky from a paper bag,
If only to lift this cloud of nothing that weighs so hard upon us both,
I look at time and see a long expanse, where just a few days ago were seconds not months,
I’ve seen the fear of close ones’ eyes
And felt the hugs of their thoughts and prayers,
I’ve dreamt of futures yet to come,
But know not when, or how or if they will,
I’ve seen this time before I think,
And know as I sit upon the brink of all these tears that struggle to run free,
That if you could you’d cry for me,
And so despite the numbness and the pain,
I look upon our one brief interlude together,
A time of joy and hopes to carry,
And know that in that better place we’ll meet
And hear you say how great it was to share our life,
If only for a day,
And now I hope you will watch close,
Hold our dreams and with the glue of time and love,
Bind this family once again, to laugh and smile and live in peace,
For from these dark hours will come joy.
Rich
A Nearly Mother
Sitting on the sofa,
Staring at the telly,
I sit crossed legged,
with my hands on my belly.
Not really watching,
Not sure what's on,
All I can think about is,
What went wrong?
11 weeks pregnant,
My baby has died,
Where can I run to?
Where can I hide?
Me and my baby,
where never meant to be,
Never to be born,
On to a family tree.
Thoughts in my head,
Going round like a whirl-pool,
What did I do wrong?
I'm such a fool!!
******
Looking on the internet,
for instructions to grieve
What's right to follow?
Who do I believe?
A sudden ray of light,
A flicker of hope,
Information and Guidance,
On how to cope.
Looking at this site,
I'm reading stories from others,
Information and support,
From other 'Nearly Mothers'
Thinking of the future,
and how we will cope,
'We will get through this' we say..
'We Will.. We Hope'
We are going to be good parents,
Just not now though.. That's all
I've done nothing wrong,
and I'm not a fool.
I now feel safe,
without any pain,
I now feel like 'Old Me'
Pre-pregnancy again.
In bed with my Husband,
We don't feel deprive,
If now more than ever,
We feel more Alive. ;-)
By Jo Pattison... So much more than words
Moving on
How?
I miss the child I never knew.
I feel I let her down.
I never held her hand.
kissed her head or tucked her in to bed.
I couldn’t keep her safe.
She never got to meet her brothers
Her mummy or her dad.
She left me far too early
And the space she once had
Deep inside my body is empty…so empty and so sad.
Alone I say a prayer for her
Alone I shed a tear.
The only person her on earth that misses her each day.
The only person that saw her go away
The sweet smell of jasmine
The warmth of a strangers touch
A gesture, a gift a look of concern
A moment of magic
A moment of hope and desperate longing.
And, at the end, a sense of loss that is bigger than any words.
A hope diminished.
A life over. Before it even began.
She left me far too early
But, somewhere out there..I hope she knows
Her mummy loves her and always will.
I’m a mum of three not two.
Only no one else recalls.
So many questions.
No answers.
Just a lonely heart that longs to have you home
An emptiness.
A sadness.
A life
Lost.
Alice
My little child who was never meant to be
You will be part of me forever.
I felt you move inside me and you will always stay in my heart.
My little girl in a beautiful garden.
My little girl playing on the beach.
The little sister Lucy will never know.
I know you and I will always love you.
Alice, your name is in the sound of the waves meeting the shore.
Alice, your name is in the wind blowing through the trees.
Our second little miracle.
Silent & Missed
Pregnant, happy and in love,
It was like a blessing from above,
With my husband by my side,
I felt so complete,
Until those words, my fears realised,
“I’m so sorry, the baby has no heartbeat”
As our world falls apart,
I feel the nurse’s words
Wrench at my heart,
As we sit in that room,
“…You’ve just received some devastating news”
And all I can see
When I close my eyes and cry,
Is the screen in that place,
An empty black space,
A black hole, a baby with no soul.
It doesn’t ease when she says,
“It’s nothing you’ve done” she goes on
“It’s just nature hasn’t selected that one”
And I know that it’s better it happened this way,
But the feeling of failure doesn’t go away.
Choked up by a pain
That’s so unforgiving,
My baby inside not living,
And the hardest part, my body doesn’t realise,
That baby is dead inside.
As I look at my love and see him crying,
I feel his hurt for me, and feel his loss of baby dying,
His past words echo in my head,
“You look like the pictures in the book”
I look pregnant, my belly still swollen,
…but our baby is dead.
As thoughts of motherhood
Are forced to fade,
A decision has to be made,
On how to miscarry our baby,
Something that will not evade me.
And there’s no comfort in the thought,
That even though baby is dead,
There is more ahead,
And as I say in my mind,
“I don’t know if I can go through this”
I know the choice is not mine,
It was just silent and missed.
By Rebecca (9.11.07)
Bye bye baby! by Sarah Quilty
Can someone take this hurt away
Release me from this pain
Put the world back in my life
Promise it won’t happen again?
When first told of the life in me
My heart skipped a beat inside
A few weeks later I discovered
She too had a heartbeat alongside.
I formed a bond so strong
The love already there
But then it came from nowhere
My first, my only scare.
The night is all too hazy
I was begging for it not to be true
But they took me in and examined me
And it was then I really knew.
‘I’m sorry’ the words ring out
In a gentle caring tone
Inside a cold swept over me
And chilled me to the bone.
There must be a mistake, I really believe
She’s a fighter I know
She’s still inside me they say in sympathy
And now it’s her time to go.
I see her on the computer screen
He tells me she’s a pretty thing
I can’t look anymore it’s hurting me
The tears begin to sting.
I look at him his heart broken
For a moment time stands still
Maybe the heart will beat again
Maybe, just maybe it will.
But it’s too late, it’s final
I’m out of the room too soon.
I hold my tummy gently
Sleeping beauty’s in my womb
Me and him sit for a while
United in sorrow and pain
He feels for me, I feel for him
Our bodies are aching the same.
But we have to go, that’s the end
If only this were true
We’ve lost our tiny little girl
Who we hardly ever knew.
We try to be strong, he pulls me through
I hang on his every word
He holds my hand, kisses my head
Tells me not to be scared
It’s time to move on and let go of her
I know she’s in peace somewhere
But as we move on, take new steps
Don’t think we’ve stopped to care.
So can someone take this hurt away
Can someone help me try?
I know we can only look forward now
Our baby girl – goodbye!
The.... Bleeding
The joy as the urine soaked stick turns blue,
The happy face of my husband, when I tell him the news.
The memories of past labour pains yet to come.
The plans for the future, I mentally create,
The tiredness I feel, as this new life begins to grow.
The pain! The cramps! The fear
The blood.... on the tissue.
The first scan when I see what is causing this issue.
The voice of the nurse saying, “sorry no heartbeat”.
The waiting room full, of worried ‘mothers to be’,
The floor I wanted to open up and eat me.
The doctor saying “sorry for you loss”,
The tablets he gives me, then home I trot.
The excruciating pain as I labour again.
The intense loss I endure as I feel it slip away,
The god I trust in to get me through this day.
The sympathy received from family and friends,
The thoughts of “when will I ever feel normal again”.
For now ....I just keep bleeding...
For Niki with love from Mum
Our Angel,
Leigh
There was a new light,
Small but true,
Brightly glowing –
And it was you.
It shone from inside us, warming and imbuing light,
A depth of love and happiness unknown, from one so tiny.
The light you gave us, so strongly grew –
Shared by all of us touched by your existence,
Linked inextricably by the promise of you.
We are blessed even while we feel lost.
We ache and yearn and grieve for this loss of our baby to hold,
But still your light shines inside us
And always this love will weave beauty within us.
We are blessed for the time you came
And grew in our hearts, as we share
In the warmth and bright light;
The light that is you.
There was a new light,
Small but true,
Brightly glowing – and it was you.
Loreen
Farewell, My Angel Child
Farewell, my Angel Child, farewell!
Go spread your wings and let it all go by.
When you surprised me with your recent growth
I couldn´t talk to you, for fear of losing you too soon,
Before we´d ever meet each other, face-to-face
And now your little heartbeat ceased, and I feel so alone.
By accident, some say, by acts of God, those others preach,
They speculate aloud why you´ve already taken leave of life,
But me, I´m shaping tender words for you, silently in the dark,
Like “I will miss you, little Angel”, and “It would have been so nice.”
Small ageless sparkle, you came mixing up my world
Just to remind me what it’s really all about.
You made me see the structure of my soul again,
That soul that had been deeply rotting in the lost and found.
I try to cup my body around what seems to remain of you,
I´m turning all my loving feeling inwards, but it is too late.
So all that´s left for me to do is quietly say goodbye now, Angel Child
And let you leave and rest in peace to join the universal fate.
Farewell, my Angel Child, farewell.
Go spread your wings and let it all go by.
Written by Alice McDuff ~ 6 April 2007
*************
Death tore you out of my life
But you live in my soul forever
When I held you in that morning
My heart beating killed me
- I wanted to give that to you –
I would die to hear your voice
I held you in my arms
Rocking you softly
I wished you were just asleep
My breathing tried to warm you –
I would die to see your smile
They teach us that light always wins the darkness
But the sun never came up on that day –
The sun will never come up on that day!
By Irēn Albinsson in memory of her baby girl, lost at 20 weeks
For Claire.
After our first loss, we moved on.
As you do.
But our second loss,
over the Christmas period;
somehow
had welded itself to all
that we do.
An elephant, if you like.
Greeting us,
in the mornings,
dinner times
evenings.
Perhaps is was because of
Christmas.
We had planned
to share our
news with
our folks.
As you do.
It was Christmas eve
nine weeks, gone.
We were confident.
But it wasn’t to be.
The day before
we had a scan.
We didn’t guess,
at the time.
But a second opinion,
called by the
technician,
was confirmation.
We left that day,
with our new
appointment.
The day after
Boxing day.
The day before
my folks were
due to visit us.
Still not knowing
we attended our
appointment.
And they
told us.
It was over quickly, really.
The same day.
A swift procedure,
to clear out what
didn’t grow.
We were home,
by seven.
And we prepared
for the telling.
As you do.
Letting people
know,
what’s happened.
It started with
my folks.
Confident was I,
prepared.
But it wasn’t
going to be
that way.
Tears
have a spot on
habit
of punctuating
your speech,
your meter,
your pattern,
your breathing.
But parents, too
have a spot on
habit
for understanding,
for knowing
what ain’t
right.
After the one set of folks,
the other soon followed.
Tears too, flowed.
And after the folks,
Other family members,
and friends.
And still the
tears flow.
For what didn’t
grow.
Paul, Sept. 06
You’re the Son or daughter I have never seen,
Never kissed nor hugged,
Never read a story to or rocked to sleep,
You are no longer in my womb,
But never doubt you will always be in my heart.
You had a life, a soul, individuality,
You were my child,
I want you to know, little one,
That wherever you are, please never be afraid,
Remember Mummy loves you and you will never be forgotten.
Your physical presence is absent,
But your spiritual presence always felt,
Your life so short yet your impact everlasting,
As much as I ache for you and shed tears for you,
You have touched my soul and made me a stronger person in a way no other could ever do and for that, I thank you!
Wherever you are, sweetheart, your Great-Grampa will look after you,
Care for you and keep you from harm,
One day I will bring you brothers and sisters to watch over and protect,
One day we shall meet again and I can fulfil all the dreams I had for you in heaven.
Until that day I must say Goodbye,
My shining star, My little angel,
My child, My baby, My little Jaimie!
Love you always, Mummy xxx
I miss you, though you never were
I often remind myself that by this stage you would have been 8 cm long from crown to rump.
I should be having morning sickness, sore boobs, fatigue…
Yet, all that I have is a very vague recollection of having been happy.
It was a sunny day, walking with my two boys and your daddy -
Secretly hiding you inside yet enjoying your presence as though it was you making the sun stream down on all of us.
I planned your introduction to your two elder brothers
How excited they would have been!
Especially Samuel – although he wanted another baby ‘just like Isaac’ and your daddy and I wanted you to be a girl…
But we loved you, even then.
I planned your room, planned your birth day,
And felt very ‘complete’.
Now you have decided now is not the right time, maybe we will meet you at some point to come.
But, we will never forget you little one.
Mummy x
Karen Gardner miscarried her son, Stolly, 18 weeks into her pregnancy. These are her reflections on her loss and that time.
Silent Loss
Why don’t we tell our daughters?
Our sisters and our friends,
Of the pain inside,
We deeply hide,
This pain that never ends.
Of dreams grown thin,
That implode in,
Of lazy days gone wrong,
Of future cries,
Turned into whys,
And wheres, and whens, and sobs.
A tear of joy
Turned to a frown,
Such unexpected news.
So long had passed
From start to now.
Surely, too long to lose,
Pure joy, excitement,
Disappear,
Comprehension starts to dawn.
A new life, so full of hope and loved,
Will never see the morn.
A heartbeat, heard
Once felt inside
A picture on a screen
A nose, a face, a hand, an arm,
Now never to be seen.
Or held.
But loved.
And.
Missed.
The heart just stopped,
The spark went out,
He left so long ago.
It seems unreal,
No reasons for.
How could we not have known?
Then such a wait
An agony
Of what the days will hold
A pill, a pain, a push, a night,
And now our boy is gone.
Dark days turn into nighttimes,
Where still sleep does elude,
Yet not from cries,
Or tiny eyes,
Does sleep now leave us for.
No arms reach up,
No cries call out,
No heart beats below mine,
No future scans,
Of futures lost,
Or futures come and gone.
Why don’t we know this future,
All things that can become,
Why keep it such a secret from,
The people it can touch?
A hidden fear?
A kindness to,
The dreams within our hearts?
An ignorance,
A lack of faith
That medicine imparts.
How could we be so foolish
That this could be unknown?
Every other person we now meet,
Has been and said and done,
Walked there before where we now are,
And stepped the steps we take,
As we stride towards the future
With, unforgiving fate.
Why is this loss a secret,
We keep within our hearts,
To never speak, as we lose sleep,
And live a world apart.
Is this to be my secret,
My hidden, silent shame?
I did not bring life to this world,
A loved, loud screaming babe.
Am I at fault
So do not speak
Of this, my darkest day.
I did not choose,
To step in shoes ,
That then did walk this way.
So, why don’t we tell our daughters,
Our sisters and our friends,
Of the pain inside,
We deeply hide,
This pain that never ends?
Karen Gardner
© March 2006
For my beautiful baby boy.
Gone from us at 18 weeks; a heart that fell silent before its time.
I hurt as much as I loved
I thought you were a girl
With black hair like your daddy
I imagined you had arms and legs by now
And organs like a heart
Tiny, but perfect
Conceived from so much love and need
Your birthday is something I will never forget
Or the day I found out you were inside
Everything I ate or drank
Every thought I had at work
On my way home
Was of you
Because of you
What we would do together during the day
How cute you would be
I even worried that you might catch a cold
Coming out of hospital in January
How happy he would be to meet you
How he would smile with tears in his eyes
You were my best-friend for ten weeks
The best ten weeks I ever had
My breasts ache because you are still inside me
My skin is clear and my hair feels nice
But now I am waiting every day and every night
For a dark red sign, that I’ll never meet you
That you were never there
Like a ghost that passed through me
A beautiful ghost, gone forever
They told me in the hospital that you never arrived at all
That you were a ‘blighted ovum’
But I think you did
And just disappeared from sight
While the nurse probed inside me, and it hurt
You hid there and I protected you
You didn’t like the glare
Of that light
And hid in the dark circle she called an empty sac
I miss you so much I can’t stop crying
Your daddy is asleep as I write, but he loved you too.
I will never be the same again because of you
I wish you knew how much I loved you
Everyone says there will be another
But it doesn’t help
They will never be the same as you
I hope I get better soon and can move on
I think it will be hard
I’ll try my best
I think you want me to be happy
I’ll think of you all summer and at Christmas too
Lots of love, your devoted mum
Kathy
23/06/05
A month before what would have been her due date, Karen Mercer wrote the following poem for her baby, Zamira, who died at 8 weeks.
8 Months pregnant
With a soul in my womb-
Full bodied and bellied
and getting ready to give
Birth-
Getting a cot ready and
Making a space for this
New little life to fill.
That's how it would be
You're not coming though-
Sometimes when the moon
Pulls me - Round and large
In the night-
I feel so empty of you-
Every flow of blood-
A reliving of your death-
The memory imprinted into
My cells - each one grieving
For you - My body empty of
You - My heart filled with love for you.
Abandoned by my baby-
Womb evacuated-
Sore, empty stomach
That I clutch-
Vacated womb-
Numbed with pain
almost destroyed
With pain-
Physical Absence-
But Spiritual presence-
As I know you are
There-
Wise spirit
Wise angel
Wise little one-
And although I physically
Ache for you-
And I mourn you
And I cry tears for you,
I say Thank you,
Precious little soul
For showing me
So Much
And I Love You. xxx
Written 25/03/05
A kiss never kissed
A dream never wished.
An embrace never felt
A beauty never beheld.
A tear never cried
A life never tried.
A love never shown
A child never known.
© 2000 Anne M R Chiles
Do you have any kids?
I have never held my children in my arms
I have never fed them or changed their nappies,
I have never heard them cry
I have never pushed them in a pram or tucked them up safely in their cots
I have never bought them clothes
But…..
I have felt them in my womb
I have seen their heartbeats on a screen
I have seen my belly swell and my breasts enlarge
I have talked to my babies
I have felt them kick and move about
I have planned for them and dreamt for them
I have chosen names and checked their birth signs
I have decided where to put their cots and looked at seats and prams
But I have been denied all this
Because my body is imperfect
I have no children but I have three angels
So how do I answer your question?
Shall I save you the embarrassment and the awkwardness, and me the pity?
or I shall I tell you my story and shatter your day
Shall I subject us both to the tragedy of my life?
I mean it's just a simple party and you are only making polite conversation,
You don't know me and will probably never see me again,
It's supposed to be light hearted and jolly and fun, you don't want to hear all my troubles
"No, we don't" I hear myself saying.
And inside I scream.
"That's not true. Have you forgotten about them?"
I haven't, not for one single moment of one single day
But I'm tired of explaining it all,
I'm tired of the pity and the sympathy,
I'm tired of the pain and the tears,
I'm tired of the anxiety, the fear, the hope,
I'm tired of saying that we're ok and we're hopeful for the future,
I'm tired.
So tired of it all
When will this nightmare stop?