Losing Twice

I think I probably felt like most other young women that I would fall pregnant easily and have a normal pregnancy. How wrong I was. I had been on the contraceptive pill for 10 years and decided to stop taking it in preparation for trying for a baby. I thought it best to give myself a couple of months to allow my body to get back to ‘normal’.

My husband and I were really pleased when we found after only a couple of months of trying that we were pregnant and excitedly told our family, friends and colleagues, looking forward to 9 months in the future when we would be able to hold our baby. However, only 8 weeks into the pregnancy I had some spotting. Very worried I rang the NHS helpline as it was a Friday evening and was told to rest and that everything would probably be fine and to go to the local early pregnancy unit on Monday morning. We went as early as we could on Monday and after waiting a little while were taken into the scanning room. I remember feeling excited at the prospect that we might see our baby early but also so terribly worried. My heart sank when the sonographer left the room to fetch her colleague. I just knew then that we had lost our baby.

Suddenly it was like time had stood still and I was in a dream. We were led into a side room and left for about 5 minutes, both of us feeling numb and not really sure what to say to each other. The doctor then came in and explained that I had experienced what is termed a missed miscarriage when the baby has died a couple of weeks before but my body has not registered that fact. I was offered a D&C or to go home and let nature take its course, being assured that it would be a little like a bad period. I chose the latter option and sure enough in the next day or so my body started to lose the baby, however it was a lot worse than they had described, no painkillers helped and at the worst point I was doubled over in pain. I now know that I should have gone back to hospital but I assumed that this was normal in these circumstances.

I thought I was coping with the loss of our baby and kept telling myself and others that it obviously wasn’t meant to be and that as it was only 8 weeks it was hardly a baby at all even though it was. I thought I was ok until a week or two afterwards when our cat got run over and then I erupted, crying my eyes out. Obviously I was upset about our pet but I knew that actually it was my locked away grief and actually it was a good thing because slowly after that I began to look forward.

We decided to give ourselves a couple of months break before trying again to let my body recover but whilst on holiday about a month later we fell pregnant again. Once again I was excited and so pleased that we were able to fall pregnant so easily but also a little wary. A couple of friends were pregnant at the same time and I remember after about 9 weeks thinking to myself that I didn’t feel very pregnant and couldn’t associate with the symptoms that they were describing. One week later I found out why as once again I had the familiar spotting and on going to the hospital had to look again at the image on the screen showing an empty sac with no heartbeat. The worst of this was that I had previously had an early scan at 6 weeks which had shown everything to be fine.

Luckily this time the actual loss was not as painful and I think I was more prepared for what was going to happen but it didn’t make it any easier emotionally for either of us. I scanned the web for ages reading about miscarriages and the causes and went to my doctor to see if I could have some kind of test to find out why, but was told that I had to have three miscarriages before they would do anything. It was horrible to be told that we would have to put ourselves through this dreadful experience one more time.

We felt emotionally and physically drained so we decided to splash out on a lovely holiday and have a really good break and make sure this time we gave ourselves and my body a proper three months gap before trying again. Partly it was also a way of stopping family enquiring about when we would try again, we told everyone else we would wait for six months so that we didn’t feel pressured by everyone.

Sitting at a friend’s birthday dinner I had the strangest stomach ache I’d ever had, my period was late and I had a suspicion that I was pregnant again. After losing two pregnancies before I was in a way afraid to find out this time, knowing that in 8 weeks or so it could all be over again but knew that I had to in order to be able to then go to the doctors for investigation. We decided not to tell anyone, even our family until we had got to 12 weeks, partly to save them the worry and upset that we know they had gone through the last two times as well.

Christmas was coming and as we travelled to my parents-in-law we knew we had got the furthest we ever had and that I was 11 weeks pregnant. I felt a bit more confident than last time though, as I kept needing the toilet, had been throwing up and felt very tired. I had purposely not gone to my GP until 10 weeks as I knew that I wouldn’t need a doctor to tell me if I had miscarried again and didn’t want to put myself through having an early scan and then finding out I’d lost it again.

The date of my 12 week scan came and unfortunately my husband was abroad with work and couldn’t come with me so my best friend came. I held her hand and couldn’t look at the screen as then scanned my stomach and then I heard those lovely words of ‘there’s you’re baby’. It was the most wonderful and scariest thing I’ve ever seen as I couldn’t quite believe it and the joy of telling my husband and sending him the pictures was great. Later that year in August our son Matthew was born and as we held him in our arms I couldn’t believe he was finally with us for up to that point I had still been nervous that something would go wrong.

He is the most special boy (as all children are) but extra special after all the heartache we went though to have him. I promised myself when reading other people’s stories that if we ever managed to have a baby I would tell my own story in the hope that it would give others the strength and hope to get through their heartache. Keep looking forward, remember those that you have lost but also that you are not alone, there are many others who understand exactly what you are going through.

Best wishes to you.

Claire