My story of making babies

Before I even planned to have children I just took it for granted that it would be easy to get pregnant and easy to make a baby - after all, millions of people do it every day without even meaning to.

I had no family history that I knew of that involved problems having children and I was healthy, so when the time came to start trying we did everything that you are meant to do: ate healthily, were physically and emotionally fit and I took folic acid from the word go. A month later, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was so happy I told everybody and bought pregnancy and baby magazines by the stack. I had my appointments at the doctors and took care of myself and I felt well apart from a bit of morning sickness. Then the day of my 12 week scan came and we couldn’t wait to see our baby for the first time.

I waited in the hospital with my bladder about to pop and we were called in to a dark room all set up for us. I lay down and as the cold jelly was put on my swollen belly I made light conversation about whether we were having a boy or a girl. Silence filled the room and as I was told this may happen due to the sonographer’s concentration, I stayed quiet and looked at the ceiling as the screen was turned away from us. Suddenly I felt a hand on mine and it wasn’t my husbands, it was the sonographers. She looked at me pitifully and started to talk, but I couldn’t hear her; all I could see was the little perfect baby on the screen just lying there, with no movement, no heartbeat - but it looked so perfect to me.

They gave me a picture and I held it close as we were ushered to the ward where we were put in a side room for two hours. A doctor came in and told us that they forgot we were in here but we would be moved to a ward to prepare for a D&C. He then proceeded to use his hands to show us how they would open me up and remove my baby, at which point it hit me and I broke down, telling him to put his hands down and treat me like a human not a case study.

All I kept saying was why??? I did everything right. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I should be moving on to the nice bit of pregnancy where I can get fat and feel the baby move, but it was all wasted, all that sickness for nothing. I went down to theatre that day crying and holding my tummy, picturing that little body. It wasn’t just a foetus to me, it was my child, with a life planned out and a birthday that would never come and a face I would never see. I wasn’t a mum anymore.

When I came round I felt well and did everything I had to so I could get home as quickly as possible. But as I got through the door and the phone started ringing, I broke down again and in a rage threw out all my baby magazines and the baby socks I had bought and my baby’s picture was thrown away, I had nothing to bury but a child of mine that had died inside me two weeks earlier had gone and I had no idea how to grieve.

Everybody pulled round us and it shattered my whole family. A few weeks passed and I felt stronger each day. Obviously this baby wasn’t well enough to be born and although I hated that, I would never really know why. I was told by doctors that it was unlikely to happen again. I felt like I was expected to move on completely with this huge gap in my life and work were asking if I thought it was time to carry on and so I did.

Two months later I fell pregnant again and the fear that hit me was unreal. I thought it would make things better but I thought about my lost baby every day and prayed that I wouldn’t lose another baby. I had a ten week scan and as I lay still on the bed I caught sight of my husband smiling at the bouncing baby on the screen, heartbeat and all. We did it! Baby number two was meant to be and he is still bouncing around today.

After having such a healthy, lovely baby boy I knew I wanted a brother or sister for him and so about a year later we tried again and got pregnant straight away. I took it for granted that there would be no problems but I felt so ill so quickly, I had a feeling something was wrong. I went to the doctors endless times but they told me it was just the hormones and I had a baby already, so there couldn’t be anything wrong.

The 12 week scan told a different story, as I felt that familiar hand on mine and that silence of pity again. At the same point in my pregnancy another baby had died and my body had not realised or tried to miscarry. I felt so cheated, as this time I knew what I had lost and I couldn’t understand why after having a baby this could happen again. I went into autopilot and got through the operation again as quickly as I could. I went home, told the family and resigned myself to starting again; nothing would fill that gap until I knew I was pregnant again and had another chance at having another baby. I felt so lucky to have a baby and so unlucky to put everybody I loved through another loss, another failure.

For some strange reason I got pregnant again straight away and I worried every day. Luckily, though, all was well and I had another baby boy, a little brother for my first child and I thought life was complete.

Two years later my marriage had dissolved and I had met another wonderful man who became my husband and step-dad to my boys. After we got married I knew what we wanted - a baby to complete our little family, but we tried and tried and no baby came. I realised how much I wanted this and how much I loved being a mum. The pain of every month not getting pregnant was awful, then one month I had had a bleed and although small I knew something was different. I took a test and it was positive.

We were so happy it was like a dream and we told our family, but that bleed stayed in the back of my mind and I went to the doctors who assured me it was normal. Then a week later the pain started, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I felt so tired and ill that I went back to the doctors who told me to take a bath and get some sleep. I felt like an idiot but there was something in the back of my mind. I’d never felt like this before and at 6 weeks I started bleeding again and my doctor finally agreed to let me have a scan which showed a small sac that had something inside. That was all they could say, they had no idea why I was bleeding and over that week I went back to the hospital 3 times to check to see if I was losing my baby.

The next week I woke up to a flood of blood and clots and the pain was so terrible that I cried all day I knew I was losing our baby in the most horrible painful way and I just wanted someone to confirm it. My doctor told me to take paracetamol and lie down, but I went to the hospital who told me I wasn’t bleeding enough or in enough pain to take action and I had to wait until the following week as they would only do a scan two weeks from the last one.

My children were asking what was wrong and everybody around me was just waiting for it to be over but the next scan showed that the sac had grown and they couldn’t be sure if it was OK or not. I should have been 8 weeks pregnant but they thought the sac looked like 6 weeks. I knew they couldn’t let go of a baby unless they were sure it had died, but this pain was so bad that a part of me wanted it over - I knew it already was.

With some little hope about the growth, we carried on for another two weeks, in and out of hospital being checked for signs of miscarriage, but whatever I felt it wasn’t enough for another scan before the two week mark. With every blood clot I lost, I checked it, wondering if that was part of my baby. At my last scan the sonographer just turned to me and in a brazen voice shouted over that no, it’s no good - this baby wasn’t growing and we had to “scoot upstairs”, she said: “You know the drill, don’t you”, as if this was a normal day for me.

After an hour waiting in a corridor, crying and shocking all the other patients, we were told we would be sent home to miscarry naturally. I was so shocked that I shouted at her that after weeks of pain and bleeding, did she really feel I could cope with another few weeks of all this? Luckily she agreed to give me an emergency D&C.

I really couldn’t believe that they still wouldn’t find out what was wrong with me purely because I could have babies - I just had a 50 percent chance of having a healthy one. And I truly believed that my new husband wouldn’t have to feel this pain but he did, I felt like I had let the world down, it was a horrible time and thankfully I had the boys to keep me going, I knew I was so lucky despite it all.

Now, as I write this, I am due to have my last baby in a month. I have been well and have had no problems apart from the worry in my head. It took me at least 21 weeks to really accept I may have this baby and even now I can’t believe that I am so lucky to be about to have a third. I have to say that again I have had no support from the health professionals throughout this pregnancy.

It seems if you have had a baby, the pain and worry should be less - it probably should be, as I have known people to not be able to have kids at all. But I cant help but think after all this, 6 pregnancies, 2 missed miscarriages and one miscarriage, two boys and my last baby on the way, that it has made me stronger, accept how fragile life is and that the creation of life should never be taken for granted. It is precious and I think I have more patience with my children now because somewhere up in the spirit world, my little babies are there together, three little souls with bodies that couldn’t cope with life, waiting for me one day to se how beautiful they are and be their mum.

I will never know why I have a 50 percent chance of having a healthy baby as nobody will find out for me. I just have to accept it as part of life, my life, and it keeps going on.

I truly hope that there is more recognition for those who can have children and who have lost children as well, that the support is needed so much when you are starting on that pregnancy road again and hoping every second that everything is ok. The pain is no less because you can get pregnant or have kids, it still burns. I hope that with my experience of this, I can go on to help others with their pregnancies and fears and show them that you are allowed to hurt even if you can have children. You still miss those babies that were never born, but will always be there.

Lisa