For Samuel

I believe that life is planned out for you and things happen for a reason. Quite often we don't find out the reason until way into the future but we all almost definitely will one day. Sometimes life isn't fair but we have to pick ourselves up, brush ourselves down and keep going, no matter how hard it sometimes is.

When I found out I was pregnant my body was like a pool of emotions. Only being 17 I didn't know how I should feel. Me and my partner of 4 years lived together but it still felt wrong. It felt like somebody tipped my whole world upside down. After the shock had settled in, I was overwhelmed, I was going to be a mum! Every time I thought about it I got butterflies in my tummy and a warm sensation. I was so excited, nothing could take this amazing feeling away from me, or could it?

Twelve weeks into my pregnancy I noticed some light bleeding. I couldn't speak. My whole body was completely numb and I immediately burst into tears. People reassured me that it was normal and that there was nothing to worry about, but in my heart I knew that the end was near. The bleeding soon became heavier and I was taken into hospital for a scan.

As I sat in the waiting room, I prayed and I begged. I wished with all my heart that my baby was OK and that I'd get the chance to meet it. My name was called. This was it. The moment of truth. As I lay down on the bed I was crying inside. It felt like my whole body had shut down, I had a lump in my throat and I couldn't talk, so I just squeezed my boyfriend’s hand for comfort. I looked into his eyes and I could see there was no hope. All I could do was wait.

Those few minutes felt like a lifetime. I knew that there was something wrong when they had to get a second opinion so I just broke down in tears, I couldn't breathe. My heart felt like it had been ripped out and now I had nothing to live for.

There are so many questions I need to ask, but the hurtful thing is there is no one to answer them. What did I do wrong? When did my baby’s heart stop? Was it in pain? WHY?

I had a gut feeling that my baby was a boy and I named him Samuel, as he did not deserve to be named “it”. I would've been a great mum, I would have loved my baby more than anything and I would have given up everything for him to be in my life. I feel empty and I miss him but it’s strange as I never knew him, never had him here with me. I never got to kiss his soft lips, smell his beautiful smell or touch his soft skin. However I did have him inside me and I talked to him on a night so I know he knows I loved him with all my heart and soul.

The pain is getting worse and it’s becoming harder for me, as I miss him so much. I know little Samuel’s looking down on me and I know he's happy wherever he is. One day we'll meet again in heaven. I just want him to know that I'm sorry, sorry he had to go and sorry he didn't get the chance to live his life.

In the future I will have more children, but I will never forget my first and I will tell them all about Samuel and he will never be forgotten. Now he’s gone, I have to try move on and accept it, although right know it feels as though I can't. It feels as though I’m stuck in time.

This baby was no mistake, he was the best thing that could have happened to me. I thank him for coming into my life as he's shown me I'm capable of loving something so much and he's made me a strong person. What I have to remember is that things happen for a reason, maybe he was ill and so he is better off in heaven. Life never works out as you plan it and bad things happen to good people.

Life’s not fair and my beliefs have changed. I used to think God existed and that he looked down on all of us but if this was true, I'd still be pregnant.

Emma Deighton